Slate publishes a lot of advice each week, so we’re pulling together a selection of our favorites. Here are a few of the most compelling questions from the week and links to hours of advice reading. This week: deciding when to have kids, disagreements with in-laws, and mismatched sex drives.
Dear Prudence
One Way or the Other: My partner and I are both men, so if we have children, it would be through adoption. When we first got together 10 years ago, we connected over wanting to one day raise a family. This was before either of us knew about the difficulties that can come with adopting and raising children from the foster care system. My resolve hasn’t changed, but he has become more cautious. We’re in our early 30s now. I first brought it up again a couple of years ago. He said we needed to buy a car and a house first, so we did. Then, he said we needed to do research and speak to other parents about it. So, I’ve read three books and had chats with other adoptive parents about their experiences. My partner attended the chats but hasn’t read the books, listened to the podcasts, etc. I even arranged an introductory call with an adoption agency, but he said that was moving way too fast, so that’s been put on ice for now.
I keep bringing it up every six months or so, to which he says we need to learn more before making any decisions, but then he doesn’t do anything (and, I assume, doesn’t think about it) until the next time I bring it up. I want to be a parent, and know I have the love (and hard work, depending on our could-be child’s particular experiences) to give. I also love my partner and would stay with him even if we decided not to adopt. I don’t want to pressure him, but I’m frustrated because he refuses to “learn more” or make any progress, one way or the other, on this decision. I feel as if my future is in limbo because we can’t come to a clear path. I just want to know what my life is going to be, and I want to grieve what could have been if we decide against parenthood. What should I be doing here?
Care and Feeding
Apparently Mother Doesn’t Know Best: I’m in a pickle, partly of my own doing, and I need to know what to do. My in-laws aren’t great people, but I’ve tolerated them for my husband’s sake. My first mistake, I know. Our son Gregory is 6 years old, and while my in-laws have been terrific with him, and he really likes being with them, recently they made some very bigoted/homophobic comments. They remarked that he was acting “too feminine,” that he needed to “toughen up,” and other similar comments, citing past “behaviors” of his, including him showing them on a FaceTime call how he wears Mommy’s sparkly barrettes in his hair “like a princess.” They also blamed me, saying I encouraged this behavior. None of this was said to him/in his presence (that would make my decision so much easier).
We are supposed to go visit them for a weekend in two weeks, and, deep down, I know the right thing to do is cancel that visit and tell them they aren’t seeing their grandson again unless they straighten the fuck up and accept him for who he is (which, for now, is just a sensitive, curious little kid who is allowed to “behave” however he wants, so long as it isn’t hurting anyone). But I have no idea how I would tell Gregory that we will no longer be visiting his grandparents (because, let’s be real, I doubt they’re ever going to change). It would also mean he wouldn’t see his cousins as often, because they live near my in-laws, and my sister-in-law would not be willing to ban her parents from her house if we went to visit her. My husband tepidly supports me. He knows how wrong they were to say these things, but has never been able to stand up to them, and he insists they would never say anything cruel directly to Gregory. I blame myself for not putting my foot down long ago with my in-laws and my husband about them, and I have no idea how to handle this.
How to Do It
Feeling Used: My wife and I have been married for four and a half years, and while our sex life was great for the first two years (daily, or sometimes twice daily), since the birth of our son two years ago, she has been mostly uninterested in sex. This is a problem because I have a very high drive, so after two or three days without being intimate, I start to get bitter at all the things she would rather make time for than sex: listing items on Poshmark, crocheting, yoga, etc.
I’ve expressed that I feel like it shouldn’t be a big deal to take 30 or 40 minutes to care for me every few days, even if she’s not champing at the bit to get laid, especially since I fully support her so she can be home with our son rather than work. When I express this, she gets indignant and acts like I’m disgusting for trying to coerce her into sex. She tries to explain that women can’t be sexual when they’re not in the mood and acts like me expecting her to is somehow on the same spectrum as rape.
At this point, I usually stop talking and walk away because the conversation never goes well from there, but I still feel bitter because I don’t want to work, pay a mortgage, or do any of the myriad things I do to provide a comfortable life for her, but I do them anyway because I believe that doing things you don’t want to do sometimes is just part of life. It’s hard to fight the growing frustration that there are prostitutes more dedicated to their pimp than my wife is to me, and it seems that my wife is repulsed by me but is afraid to admit it.
Is it sexist that I expect my wife to make an effort to be intimate and care for me when I need it?
Pay Dirt
Torments of a Tortured Tax Tattler: Last year a close friend sought my advice on something, and inadvertently revealed they’d basically stopped paying income taxes a few years ago. What had once been their cash-based “side hustle”—coaching individuals in a high-cost sport—on top of their full-time job had turned into their full-time job since the pandemic. They’re basically being paid cash by clients and not reporting any of it to the government. I urged them to report it and pay income and Social Security tax, but they demurred.
Do I have an obligation to report them to the IRS? Their behavior is wrong, but it’s not like they’re some billionaire tax cheat, and many coaches in this sport do this. Is it unethical NOT to report them? Should I tell them I feel an obligation to report before doing so, to give them a chance to right their wrong?
To get Slate’s advice delivered straight to your inbox, sign up for a newsletter today.
