Pay Dirt is Slate’s money advice column. Have a question? Send it to Athena and Kristin here. (It’s anonymous!)
Dear Pay Dirt,
My husband travels for work so I am often alone with our two small children. We have a guest room and are located a bike ride away from two different colleges. Rented rooms here average at least $800. We had success asking students from families we know if they wanted to stay with us in exchange for 10 hours of child care and their own groceries. We ask that they have no overnight guests and maintain reasonable hours. It worked beautifully until “Mia,” a cousin who commutes two hours away to attend class here.
It seemed to work out at first. She would stay with us during the week and go home on the weekends rather than adding miles to her car. It worked for a week. Then Mia became rude and unreliable. She would be late or not inform me of her changes in plans (my coursework is flexible but if you say you are available from 2 p.m. to 4 p.m., you need to be back at 2 p.m.). She made excuses and acted like she was doing me a huge favor. She crossed the line when she brought back a drunk stranger for sex and he “accidentally” went into my daughter’s room. I have never been so frightened in my life. I called the cops and Mia and her mystery man spent the night in jail but no charges were pressed.
Mia no longer lives here. We changed the locks. My in-laws are all up in arms over my “overreaction.” My husband is with me in kicking Mia out and telling his relatives to stuff it but thinks Mia was just one bad apple and argues that our other tenants worked out pretty well. He thinks we should keep renting the room out. I don’t want to. We vetted people that we knew and this still managed to happen. We are fighting about this because my coursework means we need to pay for daycare or a babysitter. Help, what do we do?
—Child Care
Dear Child Care,
Your safety is the biggest concern here. You never want to put yourself or your kid in a dangerous position, and if your husband is away often, I’m not sure his opinion about this matters as much as yours. It’s hard to put a price on feeling a sense of security in your own home.
It sounds like a big part of the problem was that the arrangement with Mia was too casual. She didn’t respect any of your rules nor did she take the arrangement seriously, and that might be because she didn’t see it as an arrangement in the first place. She just knew she had a place to crash during the week and didn’t seem to care about much else. Perhaps there were red flags from the beginning.
I wonder if you might feel safer with a different kind of setup. Instead of asking random family members to stay with you, which may set a precedent for a casual agreement with loose ground rules, could you try going the professional route and searching for part-time child care through a nanny agency? Depending on the laws of where you live, you might need to offer some kind of supplemental pay, but that may still be cheaper than paying for child care outside of the home if you can offer room and board. Check the laws in your area, and try to ask other parents at your college how they handle child care. Some colleges have a parent’s network where you can ask other student parents about their experiences. There’s a good chance others have had similar arrangements to yours and can give you advice.
In general, having someone live with you who has experience with children—and has been vetted by other families and is backed by an agency—might help put your mind at ease. If this doesn’t sound like something you’re willing to do, maybe there are other solutions. Can you afford to put your child in drop-off daycare for a few hours a week? Are there sacrifices in your budget you could make (moving to a smaller place, perhaps) to make that possible? Could your husband adjust his schedule to be home more often?
It sounds like there are much safer ways to approach your current situation. If you still feel stuck, I would start by reaching out to other parents if you haven’t already. Sometimes it simply helps to have support.
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Dear Pay Dirt,
I’m a law student with about $70,000 in student government loans. I’m going to be working for a law firm after graduation and should be able to pay off those loans within two years, with a tight budget. Afterward, I would love to go back to school and do my doctorate. However, the reality is that would be years of expenses with no money coming in. The type of work I would want to do afterward would also not match what I’d make if I stayed in the traditional law firm track. Many of my friends either have family financial support or plan to stay on the more well-paying corporate side of law. They already are talking about mortgages and investments. I would like to follow my dream, but I also would like to own a home and have a child relatively soon. I’m also a single child of aging parents who will need additional support in the coming years. How should I be thinking about this decision financially?
—Take the Money, Give Up on the Dream?
Dear Money,
This is one of the many frustrating things about money. It can afford us so many opportunities, but it can also keep us from just as many. Most of us don’t have unlimited funds, so we have to prioritize.
One way to think about this is through opportunity cost, which in economics if you’re unfamiliar, is “the loss of potential gain from other alternatives when one alternative is chosen.” In practice, the opportunity cost of pursuing a doctorate might be postponing homeownership until later in life. Or sending your child to a cheaper daycare with fewer frills. Or moving to a city with a lower cost of living. It might help you to write down the opportunity costs associated with both decisions: pursuing the doctorate and staying on the law firm path. Make two lists and compare both of them to see which path comes at the higher price to you, both financially and emotionally.
There’s a good chance you already know what you want to do—and it sounds like it’s pursuing your dream—but seeing the costs laid out like this can put things into perspective. This will get you thinking about what compromises you’re willing to make and any potential workarounds. For example, if taking on a big student loan means child care will be an issue, maybe there are solutions. A nanny share, perhaps. Or maybe there’s a way to supplement your income so you can afford to get your parents in-home care. Could you save up for another couple of years before going back to school?
Your workarounds will vary. But naming those opportunity costs is your first step. You don’t have to give up on your dreams—they might just look a little different than you expected.
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Dear Pay Dirt,
The 2024 job market is brutal. I’m a product manager in tech and was laid off about three months ago. I’ve applied to everything: assistant roles and senior roles, out of tech and in tech. I’ve reached out to caterers and hotels just to have some income while on the job hunt but nothing. After hundreds of applications, I’ve had a total of three interviews. Three! I’ve been on the job hunt before, but I’ve never experienced anything like this.
Only one company has extended an offer. The problem is that it’s way below my rate. And it’s not the kind of job I’d feel comfortable leaving in a month or two after I got a better offer. I would need to commit for at least a year. It’s a lateral move so it wouldn’t harm my career, but there are no benefits for the first six months, and the pay wouldn’t support my family. I’m not sure what to do. Should I just take it and try to figure out a side hustle to make up the difference? Or should I risk waiting for a better offer to come along?
—Desperate for Income
Dear Desperate for Income,
You’ve been at it for a few months already, and the prospects aren’t looking great—I get that. But a year is a long commitment, especially for a job that doesn’t make ends meet. The average job search takes about five months. I’m not saying you shouldn’t take the job, but the answer would be much clearer if you had been on the hunt for six months or so.
It stands to reason that if it took a few months to get a job offer, even if it’s a job you’re not thrilled about and doesn’t pay well, the chance of getting another offer in the next few months is good. That might sound obvious, but it’s something to consider when you weigh your options. The job market is unpredictable and not guaranteed, so there’s a risk involved either way. Try thinking through the worst-case scenario of both options.
For example, let’s say you take this job and get a better offer in the next few months. What would that feel like? It sounds like you’d be stressed trying to make ends meet, and then incredibly bummed about having to pass up a better job. Now let’s say you skip the job and get zero offers in the next six months. What would that feel like, and what would you do to make ends meet? I’m guessing you’ll have a stronger reaction to one scenario versus another, and that feeling can help guide your decision.
You mentioned getting a side hustle to supplement your income with this potential new job. Is there a way you could do that now? If it’s an option for the future, could you start doing some part-time or side hustle work while you look for a better offer? That could help tip the scale on your decision. It might also be worth talking to a career counselor, who can help you navigate some of the trends in your industry. The National Career Development Association (NCDA) and National Board for Certified Counselors websites can help you get started.
Ultimately, your question comes down to: Can you afford to wait for a better offer? If you can, even if you might have to make some sacrifices to your budget, it might be worth waiting for a job you’re not already planning to leave. And if the job doesn’t offer benefits—or even enough pay—in some ways, you might not be able to afford to take this offer in the first place.
Dear Pay Dirt,
My fiancée and I are fighting over our financial future. She took out a ton of loans for college, half of which will be forgiven if she continues to teach at a high-risk school, but she hates it there. I was lucky to pay off my condo after my first marriage ended. I work freelance so not having to worry about a mortgage or car payment is a relief. She wants me to sell my condo so we can get a bigger place outside of the city, but that means taking on more debt and getting a second car (she takes my car to work and I use public transportation).
Right now, we are saving money and paying down her debts without adding to them. I did a spreadsheet and it doesn’t make any smart sense. Her arguments are all emotional. She wants a yard and more space for her hobbies (we share the second bedroom for hobbies/work) and to look for a career change. My view is that three or four years of living like this means a far better and more secure start to our lives, especially if we consider having children. I know she is unhappy at work, but when I suggest she talk to her colleagues about tips and tricks at work or talk to a therapist, she yells at me that I am not being supportive enough. I love her, but the grass isn’t going to be any greener when we are spending more than we are bringing in. How do we handle this?
—Greener Grass
Dear Greener Grass,
This might be more of a relationship issue than a financial one. While your argument makes sound financial sense, I get the sense that your fiancée’s concerns are being dismissed. Your advice about talking to a therapist or colleagues is wonderful, but it sounds like the person she most wants to feel supported by is you.
Compared to your arguments for staying put, you say that her arguments are “all emotional.” Relationships are emotional, and a person can begin to feel desperate, worried—even trapped—when they share their concerns with a partner and those concerns are minimized. In other words, it sounds like your fiancée is struggling to be heard. Of course, this only compounds the problem. It’s impossible to hear someone when you’re shouting, right? On the bright side, there’s a good chance the two of you can come to an agreement you both feel good about if you can offer that support.
Try helping her process her issues without offering solutions. Why does she hate her job? What kinds of hobbies does she want to pursue? And what would she want to do with the extra space? Don’t lecture her on how to make things better or try to fix her problems just yet—simply hear what she’s saying and try to imagine what each concern must feel like. If it helps, ask her to name specific emotions. Does she feel stressed? Disillusioned? Exhausted?
From there, you can have a conversation about solutions. Talk about your goals and dreams for the future, and what you can do financially to get there. Even if it takes a few years to reach those goals, there must be things she (or both of you) can do in the meantime to ease her stress or help her feel connected to work again. Come up with a plan and work out the details together. The simple act of having a goal to work toward can be immensely helpful. People can endure all kinds of challenges when they’re working toward something that matters to them—and when they feel like someone is doing it alongside them.
—Kristin
Classic Prudie
I am a 32-year-old single gay man who will be starting a doctoral program in the fall, during which I will be teaching. The university is in a conservative state but near a progressive city. As a single gay man, I use a variety of apps to find dates and companionship. I use Tinder and Hinge for dating, and Grindr and Scruff for hookups. I am a fairly sex-positive person, so I have pictures of my face on all the apps that I use.
