This is One Thing, a column with tips on how to live.
There is always more for me to do: another talk to give, another person to mentor, another paper to write. Most of it is not technically part of my job description (I’m a psychiatrist and an academic), and all of it is unpaid. Still, I say yes to new tasks and new requests over and over. As a go-getter, an overachiever, it’s what I’m used to. Plus, no one gives you a promotion or an award for what you said no to, right?
But maybe someone could! My friend, an academic sociologist, suggested I try writing a “NO list,” a strategy that had helped her cut down on the endless slog of commitments. The NO list, she said, was similar to a CV, but instead of a list of all of her achievements, it was a list of everything she had said no to. I thought she was on to something. I intrinsically know the value of a yes, but it’s hard to really feel and internalize the value of a no. And yet, finding time to start a NO list didn’t exactly fit into my packed schedule of yeses. But eventually, I finally tried it. (OK, only because I said “yes” to the editor who wanted me to write this piece.)
For the past three weeks, everything I have said “no” to went into a note on my phone. At first, it was a short list. But after I became aware of just how little I was saying “no” to, it started to grow. I was almost embarrassed I wasn’t achieving enough in the no department, and started to think a lot harder about the asks in my inbox. Did I actually want to review a book proposal right now, or write a book chapter? No and no. Did I have time for another talk this month? Also no.
As those items went onto my list, I found myself feeling a lot more inclined to say “no”—and even proud of myself for saying it. I started to say “no” to things that I did not previously realize I could opt out of. I found myself drawing boundaries around the ways I was and wasn’t able to contribute to a group research project, and canceling plans when I felt sick (but not so sick that I was physically glued to the couch). For once, I set aside what everyone would think about me if I said no. We don’t get credit for saying no. But with the “NO list,” you can give that credit to yourself.
