Every week, Dear Prudence answers additional questions from readers, just for Slate Plus members. Submit questions here. (It’s anonymous!)
Dear Prudence,
My 17-year-old son and I do not have a relationship. I am considering kicking him out in a few months when he turns 18, although I’m not sure yet if I’ll actually do it. He yells and curses at me constantly, doesn’t clean up after himself, does whatever he wants without regards to others, has been expelled from school due to fighting, and recently has been caught shoplifting. For my part, I have also done wrong. I was a harsh parent. I yelled a lot when he was growing up, and I believed in corporal punishment and perfection. At this point, it is what it is. I wish we could start over but this is our sad, sad life…
I never talk about my child to others. My coworker has no children and I love to talk to her. She is the only coworker who doesn’t bring up children in conversations. I always assumed she was child-free by choice. Well, yesterday, she confided in me that she’s infertile. She wants children so badly it breaks her heart. She told me she always enjoyed talking to me because I never bring up kids, but she wanted to tell me about it as we’ve become closer, from just coworkers to friends. She even said she knows I’m a good mom because I’m a good person (ha! If only). I want to scream. I want to tell her she is so lucky. I want to tell her to stop being sad, not having kids is the best thing that could’ve happened to her. I want to tell her I am a horrible mom who created a horrible kid. I am actually in disbelief that she is sad about this. But obviously my thoughts are horrible. How do I support my friend?
—Horrible Mom
Dear Mom,
This is such an interesting letter because you’re clearly struggling so deeply and dealing with so much self-loathing over the challenges in your relationship with your son. And it feels like the actual question you ask, which has little to do with that but instead focuses on what you should say to Jenny, is a distraction. I get it. It’s probably easier to contemplate “What should I tell my coworker about her life?” than “How can I survive the regret and pain I’m living with in my own life?” But, as gently as possible, I have to say: Leave Jenny out of this. As sincerely as you may feel that being child-free puts her in an enviable position, she doesn’t need to hear that and it won’t make her feel better in any way. It’s fine to tell the truth by saying something like, “Honesty, I’m having a really hard time with my son and feel like an awful person and parent because of where our relationship is right now. Just like you enjoy talking to me because I don’t bring up children, I enjoy talking to you because you don’t! I guess we both value kid-free conversation for different reasons and I’m glad we’ve been able to be there for each other.”
It’s okay to acknowledge that both of you are in a lot of pain without coming to a conclusion about whose situation is ultimately more enviable. Clearly neither of you feels “lucky” at all right now. She won’t be comforted by hearing that she is any more than you would be comforted by hearing that you are.
Totally outside of your relationship with Jenny, you need urgent help to cope with your situation emotionally, and maybe even salvage a relationship with your son. You sound hopeless and defeated and I understand why, but it doesn’t have to be that way. You’ve done things you regret in the past, and I don’t want you to add to those by kicking your child out of the house. Cancel that plan for now. Forgiveness is possible. Yes, that’s right—you can get to a point where you forgive yourself for the way you raised him. A thorough apology, acknowledgment of how hurtful your actions were and a promise to do better could even inspire him to forgive you. Does he even know that you regret your approach to parenting? It would go so far to simply tell him that.
You two desperately need to be in therapy together to process your past, to develop a language to use with each other going forward, and to set the tone for the relationship you will have once he’s an adult. If that’s not possible, you should go by yourself. I suspect you may be depressed, which could be fueling your pessimism and your difficulty being compassionate with yourself or seeing a way out. Talk therapy or medication could possibly shift things from “I’m a horrible mom who created a horrible kid” to “I made some mistakes despite doing the best I could at the time, but we have a lot of years left as mother and son and I’m really working on making this relationship better.” If that’s out of reach, at least look for a support group for parents of teens, where you can be around others who are dealing with issues similar to yours. You’re not the first parent to have regrets or to feel distant from their child. You’re not uniquely terrible. When you realize this, you’ll start to see solutions other than “spread the word that kids are the worst.”
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