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Dear Prudence,
I (16F) work as a counselor at a local after-school program. It pays really well, my boss is very nice, and I enjoy getting to try new activities with the kids. I recently had two little boys join my group of second and third graders. They are brothers (7 and 9) and are really sweet, goofy kids who have adapted well to our program. They are also pale, blond-haired, blue-eyed kids named “Rakhi” and “Bodhi,” and I am an Indian American who was raised speaking Hindi and English.
I don’t have an issue with their names, but their mom has an issue with me. She is white, is American, and does not speak Hindi but is very into spirituality, chakras, etc., and pronounces her sons’ names as “Rocky” and “Body” (like Cody). I instinctively have been pronouncing them like they would be said in Hindi (“Rah-khee” and “Bo-dhee”) because it’s my first language.
Their mom has now pulled me aside multiple times and basically told me off for mispronouncing her sons’ names, despite the fact that I have explained to her that it is literally the way their names are correctly pronounced in the language they come from, which I have spoken from birth. She keeps saying that I am “mocking” them and is now threatening to take this to my program manager, who I’m pretty positive would take my side, but I don’t want the boys to get kicked out—they haven’t done anything wrong. I can’t change my accent and they can’t change their names, but I don’t want to spend three more months dealing with this! What should I do?
—Pushed to the Limit in Portland
Dear Pushed,
There’s a big difference between “I can’t change my accent and that’s the way their names sound when I say them” and “I am intentionally pronouncing their names the correct way instead of the way their mother has said they’re pronounced because I’m right and she’s wrong.” If it’s the former, explain the situation to your manager, who will hopefully tell the mom to go to hell. If it’s the latter, I absolutely get why you’re annoyed with the mom, who sounds like her headshot may be in the dictionary under “cultural appropriation.” But in life and especially at work, you simply have to call people what they want to be called (or in this case, what their parents want them to be called), not what you think they should be called. It may make you cringe, but it won’t be the last thing to make you cringe about having a job.
Pull up the Notes app on your phone and jot down some reflections on this experience. Sometimes the people and events that get under our skin the most can have an important message about what we care about and what we wish could be different about the world. “I was forced to watch people try on various elements of my culture as accessories and wasn’t allowed to complain about it and it felt awful” could be something that drives the books you read, what you study in college, or the kind of work you pursue in the future. Or maybe your notes will be the basis of your future memoir about the things you saw, heard, and tolerated growing up Indian-American in Portland. I’d read that.
For another take on this letter, check out Care and Feeding.
