Each week in Dear Prudence Uncensored, Prudie discusses a tricky letter with fellow Slate writer (and her husband!) Joel Anderson, only for Slate Plus members. This week, they dig into “Parentally Insecure.”
Dear Prudence,
Why does it seem like a husband asking his wife for a paternity test is so controversial and seemingly regarded as one of the worst things possible to ask? There are definitely many wrong ways to ask the question, so please assume the question is asked well in-advance before pregnancy, and that it is asked gently with space for discussion. The online discourse I read from women seems very unempathetic for this issue. What is the harm in a paternity test? Specifically, one conducted after birth where there is no risk to the child. Women (basically) never have to contend with the scenario that the child they’re raising may unknowingly not be theirs. Just as there are many experiences and situations that women go through that I, as a man, will never have to contend with but which I am empathetic to, this is one particular issue that women do not have to contend with that men do.
Studies vary, but false paternity is about 1-3 percent, which translates to millions of people in America. I do many things to make my partner feel secure in our relationship, so that she KNOWS something rather than taking it on faith, because why not give a person that level of security if you can? I’m aware that I could do a test in secret, but I do not want to keep secrets like that from my partner. Why is it regarded as so offensive for me to have a fear of mine resolved through a cheap, convenient test? It really has nothing to do with what I think of my partner, who I love, as I have always wanted to be sure of paternity ever since I decided as a teenager that I wanted to be a father someday.
—Parentally Insecure
Read Prudie’s original response to this letter.
Joel Anderson: So … is the underlying issue here that his wife is pregnant and he wants to ask for a paternity test? Or was he not getting the feedback he wanted in the YouTube comments under whatever Jordan Peterson video he’s been watching?
Jenée Desmond-Harris: LOL. I don’t think she’s even pregnant yet. But yeah, this letter has “I like to fight gender wars on the internet” energy.
Joel: If we were to step back and consider his point in isolation, I think he might have a compelling one. We talked about this the other day, how it’s sorta strange that it’s not routine to establish paternity very early in a pregnancy. Not out of suspicion. But just because it seems like the sort of thing we’d do in the name of accuracy.
That said, c’mon. What’s really going on here, sir?
Jenée: Right, nobody is forcing you to have a baby if you’re going to be this stressed that it’s not yours! His whole argument here is about fairness. To that I would just say, yes, it’s true that “Women (basically) never have to contend with the scenario that the child they’re raising may unknowingly not be theirs.” But men never have to contend with the scenario that their partner has secretly had a child with someone else during their marriage. I’m just saying, we all have our different shit to deal with. At the end of the day, who cares about what’s fair? It’s about what he and his partner can agree on that will make them both comfortable and happy. So he really needs to be talking to her, not getting a verdict from me.
Joel: Correct. I don’t think the LW is going to mount an argument with his partner that will lessen her offense. If it was this important to you, Parentally, and it seems like it is, you probably should have established this as a condition of the process from the very beginning. But it’s likely too late.
We’re having to make a lot of assumptions about the LW and his life, and given that, I think the real issue here is what kind of partnership do you want to have going forward? Do you want to see this highly-charged discourse carried out to a bitter end, with your insulted wife giving in and taking a paternity test to assuage your concerns? Or do you want to let this go and start off an amazing journey into parenthood with a partner who isn’t worried that you’re so committed to Debate Club theatrics that you’ll be a disengaged father.
Jenée: Also, where does the quest for “being sure” and having your fears “resolved” end? Are you going to put a tracker on her car because it’s only fair that you know whether she really went to Target when she said she did? Are you going to have to go through her phone because your online friends said you can’t be expected to trust that she’s not living a double life with an “alpha male”? More importantly: Is this really the life you want?
Joel: And even if it is, it might already be too late. It’s hard to take your word for it that this “really has nothing to do with what I think of my partner who I love,” if the debate has brought you here to Prudie’s inbox (And we’re glad you’re here, but I’m just worried about your home life, lol).
Jenée: I mean, it would almost be better if he just had doubts about this particular partner because we could say “You clearly don’t trust her. Find someone who doesn’t inspire you to write paragraphs about paternity tests.” The fact that he’s been obsessing about this since he was a teen means whatever is behind his concerns runs really deep. But like I said in my response, go ahead and tell your wife how you feel. Maybe she knows how you are and will say “Fine, whatever it takes to put your mind at ease.” Who knows?
Joel: Let me disagree with my wife here and tell you, “do not tell your wife how you feel.” Actually, if possible, if there’s enough time, I recommend going to a therapist and talking about the roots of this insecurity and figuring out if there’s a way to carefully and responsibly broach this with your wife. Because if you try this shit with her, you might find yourself co-parenting—as opposed to raising this child together under the same roof. Which, hey, millions of people do it—just as many are tricked into claiming false paternity. But I can’t imagine that’s how you want this to happen.
Jenée: My only request is that when you’re looking for a therapist, don’t include “Men’s rights” in the search terms.
