How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Dear How to Do It,
When I masturbate, I often like to fantasize about more intense or dominating sexual experiences—things like submission, group sex, bondage, etc.
But I also feel weird and guilty about it, so I end up starting these fantasies—in my head!—with a respectful discussion about consent. I know if this was happening in real life, that would be absolutely essential, but my regular sexual relationship with my boyfriend is well communicated and mostly pretty tame since I don’t actually want to do most of this in real life! And it’s a bit of a buzzkill when it’s just me talking to myself in my head. Can I fantasize in peace, or is my inclination toward these fantasies not healthy?
—Free to Fantasize
Dear Free to Fantasize,
I had a friend, several years ago, who couldn’t watch porn that didn’t portray obvious condom use. They knew about the rigorous testing system that professional adult productions used. They knew that performers consented to taking the small risk. But they’d come into their sexuality during the height of the AIDS epidemic and couldn’t get past the internal voice whispering, “Risky! Risky!”
I’m not able to tell you whether you can fantasize in peace. I think it is fine, acceptable, and normal to fantasize the way you want to. But you might be like the friend I described above—and that’s OK.
You aren’t harming anyone with your thoughts—your fantasies—and many people fantasize about sexual scenarios they have no desire to enact in real life. Even if you did want to engage in acts of submission, group sex, or bondage in real life, you could do those things in healthy ways.
We also continue to live in a world where many groups shame people who express their sexuality at all, or who engage in or fantasize about sex that’s outside of a narrow window. You might take some time to listen to your feelings of weirdness and guilt so you can better understand where those responses are coming from. From there, you’re in a good position to think through the messages you’ve received about sexuality, and get past the ones you disagree with.
—Jessica Stoya
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