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Dear Care and Feeding,
My grandson Jack and I are very close. Jack is 12 years old and a very shy boy. He has a best friend, Elizabeth. They’re very similar kids, though they have different interests. They’re both “old souls,” seemingly mature for their age and love curling up with an Agatha Christie book instead of mindlessly scrolling on TikTok. They do absolutely everything together, but it’s gotten to the point where neither one of them can do something without the other one.
Jack expressed interest in art classes, but was signed up without Elizabeth and so completely shut down and was unable to do anything. Jack and Elizabeth are in similar classes at school but don’t share every class. Jack is very shy and barely participates in classes on a good day, but Elizabeth had surgery recently and Jack was barely functional at school while she was out of school—he called me in the middle of the day near tears quite a few times because of the stress of going through school without his best friend.
From what I’ve heard, Elizabeth is similarly dependent on Jack to go through the school day. Elizabeth has been there for Jack during some really difficult things in his life, such as the death of his father. My daughter is very sensitive about being given parenting advice, and if I bring this up with her she will almost certainly dismiss it as Jack just being “shy” and not that his mental health is down the drain. How can I help my grandson?
—Concerned Grandma
Dear Concerned Grandma,
If you love your grandson, if you listen to him, if you are someone he knows he can count on, I think you’re already doing what you’re supposed to be doing for him. I know you’re still going to worry no matter what, but try not to judge or draw too-firm conclusions about him based on his attachment to his friend. He’s lost his father (even if it wasn’t recent), and must be dealing with a lot of grief and trauma as a result. It’s hard for you to watch sometimes, I’m sure, but he needs to be able to feel and process all this in his own way, at his own pace. Keep being there for him—pick up when he calls, do fun things with him, make it clear that you care about how he’s feeling, let him know how much you love him.
Jack might benefit from counseling and/or more grief support—something you can raise (and offer to help with, if you’re able), should you believe there’s an unmet need. But when you talk with your daughter about your grandson, I don’t think you need to offer a ton of advice she’ll dismiss or focus on a school friendship you consider codependent. You might want to start just by asking what your daughter has noticed—apart from his shyness, which probably isn’t new, how does she think Jack is doing? What has he shared with her? What do they both need from you, and how can you better support them?
You can’t control how your daughter parents. Nor can you help how the school day goes for your grandson, or control whether he copes or heals in healthy ways. But you can continue to love and listen to and be there for him, and I promise you that’s important; all the more so if he really is struggling right now.
—Nicole
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