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Dear Care and Feeding,
I loved my late wife. I love the two daughters she gave me. I am ready to move on, but my daughters will not let me. They are 21 and 18 now. When we lost their mother a decade ago, it seemed like the perfect idea to celebrate her birthday annually as a way to keep her spirit alive. I would take the girls to our favorite restaurant and tell them stories about their mother. We would visit her grave and leave flowers on the anniversary of her death. I should have tapered it off when they got older, but I didn’t.
I put off dating until I met “Gloria.” My oldest daughter was in high school then and refused to warm up Gloria even with us going to family counseling. Gloria and I have talked about moving in together and marriage, but the shadow of my first wife is always there. My oldest gets very upset at the slightest mention of change— even doing things like updating the color of the walls because she remembered painting them with her mom. When I spoke about selling the house since both my girls are living out of state, my daughter screamed at me that we can’t leave her mom behind by doing that. She refused to talk to me for two weeks. My youngest daughter gets along with Gloria if her sister isn’t there but follows her lead no matter what. I don’t want to lose my girls, but I am tired of living in the past. What can I do?
—Ready to Move On
Dear Ready,
For starters, you didn’t do anything wrong by continuing to mark your late wife’s birthday and death with your children; those are beautiful traditions that you should keep going, even if you choose to get married to Gloria. You need to have (perhaps another) heart-to-heart with your daughters and explain that your love for their mother will never change but that enough time has passed for you to find love with someone else. Tell them that their mother would want you to be happy, and you would feel the same way about her moving on had you been the one to pass away. Your daughters are adults and will have to find within themselves the maturity and understanding to accept your relationship with Gloria; you can’t force them into doing that, but you also shouldn’t put your life on hold to make them feel better, not after all this time. If you can hold on to the house that you shared with your late wife, it would certainly mean a lot to your daughters. However, if it doesn’t make financial sense for you to do that, or if you truly want to move elsewhere, you have the right to let it go. Be patient and understanding as possible with your girls, but don’t put your life on hold to please them.
—Jamilah
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Before meeting and marrying my wife, I had many different sexual partners, mostly casual. I’m her first. We are in our first year of marriage. During a conversation about our sex life, I mentioned that I had been more attracted to past partners than I am to my wife. She became visibly upset; in the days since, she has stopped initiating intimacy and has asked if I want an open marriage. I said no. I tried explaining that I am attracted to her—it’s just that the physical dimension of our relationship is less important to me than the emotional, intellectual, and spiritual connections we share. And, truth be told, I have had some sexual relationships in the past with an explosive chemistry that my wife and I lack. Did I overstep a boundary?
