How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Dear How to Do It,
My husband and I have been married for five years and dated for a year before that. We had a really great and fun sex life, but I started having medical issues a couple of years ago. I often don’t feel well enough to have sex or my libido is low due to medication side effects, but I make sure we do have sex at least twice a week.
He has been very kind to me while I have been sick, but he is very much a guy who likes a routine, so when we don’t have sex he will mention that he had to take care of himself if I wasn’t up to it. I have asked him not to tell me that. I don’t care if he masturbates, but I feel guilty if I wasn’t up to it. He has since stopped mentioning it, which I appreciate. What has been bothering me is his way of asking for sex. He will usually lean up against me while we are on the couch, rub my leg, and then ask if we can have “snuggle time” later and smile. I don’t know why, but it’s a complete turn-off for me when he says it. It’s a complete “ick” for me.
How can I suggest a different way for him to initiate? And since I’m writing in, when his breath is overwhelming garlicky, it’s also just awful trying to kiss him. He always brushes his teeth and uses mouthwash but it’s still horrible. Is there a way to bring this up?
—Snuggle Time Ick
Dear Snuggle Time Ick,
Dr. Emily Nagoski does a really good job of describing the Kinsey Institute’s “Dual Control Model” as the gas (excitation) and brake (inhibition) pedals in a car. Her book, Come As You Are, is worth a read if you’ve got the time and inclination. It sounds, though, like your excitation pedal is slower to respond than in previous years, and your inhibition pedal is more sensitive. So where you might have been mildly put off by your husband’s request for “snuggle time” previously, and that might have been nothing compared to how excited you were, now it’s got you grinding your gears.
Your guilt is something you can probably work on on your own. Did you internalize some messages that your husband’s sexual fulfillment is 100 percent your responsibility? Do you think of masturbation as a poor substitute for sex? Are there other ways you feel you aren’t showing up in the marriage that are manifesting as extra guilt here? And, finally, was your husband telling you about taking care of himself in a way that was inducing guilt—was he moping, dejected, or angry? If my last question is a “yes,” you’ve got bigger issues to handle. But I’m assuming the best intentions on everyone’s part here.
I’d start with a reminder that you love your husband, that you enjoy sex with him when you’re up for it, and that you are committed to the relationship. Then let him know about the dual control model, and what’s happening with your “gas” and “brakes.” Tell him that your tendency toward inhibition is super sensitive at the moment, and things that didn’t use to put you off can really shut down interest now. Ask him to help you navigate this. Then let him know that garlic breath smells super strong to you, and that the phrasing “snuggle time” is throwing you for a loop. Avoid words like “gross” or “ick”, and leave space for him to talk.
Be prepared to offer suggestions as to how else your husband might verbally signal his interest in sex. Depending on how playful the two of you are, you might have a brainstorming session where you try on different verbiage. “Doth, fair maiden, I dream of bestowing orgasms upon your fount of joy.” “Hey, I’d love to have sex with you tonight.” “Captain, my seas of lust are overflowing.” Different stuff works for different people, and getting silly with it to the point of laughing together can increase positive feelings and strengthen your bond.
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Dear How to Do It,
I am a 52-year-old man in a 20-year marriage. Our libidos have always been mismatched, with my wife craving and desiring sex much more frequently than me. We have talked about this throughout our marriage and navigated it with lots of toys, fingers, hands, and me giving her oral sex. I enjoy all of these things and I have always tried hard to be a great partner, even when my libido was low. But recently, I went on antidepressants after a job loss and one of the unexpected side effects is that my libido is through the roof! It’s an unusual feeling for me. And for her. As she has hit perimenopause, her libido has dipped.
Do you have any advice for navigating this change in tides? It has been established over the years that she is the gatekeeper for our sexual experiences because she has a higher sex drive. And she has never been much of a giver in our sex. I have tried to tell her about my higher desire. I am trying to initiate more with respect and empathy for her. It’s tricky waters and a bit frustrating. I now know better how she felt all the years we were mismatched.
—Tides Have Turned
Dear Tides Have Turned,
When you say you’ve tried to tell your wife about your higher desire, that indicates that you haven’t been successful. I think having another conversation is in order. Lead with the new layer of understanding you’ve developed. Remind your wife of your medication change, and underline the change in libido that has accompanied it. Tell her how you’re feeling about that, and what insight you think you now have into her experiences during the first two decades of your marriage. Ask her whether your insight is accurate. And ask her whether she might be feeling the same way you felt during those first 20 years. Build some communication and understanding around the issue. You also might inquire about how she likes to be approached now—sometimes preferences change with hormonal shifts.
Meanwhile, I encourage you to masturbate. Self-pleasure is an effective way to take the edge off, and can help you feel more in touch with your body. You may stumble on sensations that surprise you, and there’s a whole world of male masturbation devices (such as Fleshlight, which I’ve had a licensing deal with for over a decade) that can give you a range of stimuli. Remember the other tricky waters you’ve travailed, and have confidence in your ability to navigate these changes.
Dear How to Do It,
My wife recently told me she still has to overcome thoughts and feelings of shame or guilt when she wants to have sex (she enjoys it otherwise). This really surprised me as we’ve been married for over 20 years and I thought all the early relationship teething problems from leaving home were long gone. What can I do to help her? We’ve done the obvious and we’re not religious and there’s no history of sexual abuse or severe trauma. The shame is unwelcome and irrational, but knowing that doesn’t help. She tried a bit of counseling but doesn’t like it or feel confident it will help. I think it’s terrible to still live with this coming up to 50. Sex is meant to be fun!
—Could Have Been Catholic
Dear Could Have Been Catholic,
Regardless of whether a person is raised religious, has survived sexual abuse, or encountered severe trauma, we were all raised in a wider culture that shamed sex. Even if your wife didn’t get these messages from her immediate family, she almost certainly encountered them out in the bigger world. You might suggest viewing Netflix’s Principles of Pleasure, which talks about this subject with clinicians, sex educators, and lay people. And Nadia Bolz-Weber’s Shameless is meant for Christians but can be helpful for people outside of that faith.
But I think the best thing you can do is put aside any judgment (including the idea that it’s terrible to still live with internalized stigma) and be there as a friendly ear for your wife. Acceptance tends to be a great antidote to shame but to receive it, the person has to be vulnerable and trust the person they’re being vulnerable in front of. As her spouse, I assume you can provide that trust. Ask her what comes up when she experiences these thoughts and feelings. Listen to what she says. Let her know that you love her—difficult feelings around sex and all. It’s possible that the strength of your relationship can be a safe space for healing where an unknown counselor can’t.
—Jessica Stoya
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I am a cis woman who has been dating a cis man for several months. He is very sweet and respectful. We love each other and have great communication in general. When we started talking about what we like in bed, he revealed that he enjoys some consensual BDSM activities, like slapping his partner. I told him I don’t enjoy pain sexually. He said he really loves having sex with me without that element and that he doesn’t need it to be sexually fulfilled. So far, that all seems to be true.
