How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Dear How to Do It,
I have been married to my husband for over 10 years and together for 15. I love him, but our sex life is a little stale. The biggest issue I have never been able to have the courage to address is his kissing style. He kisses very softly, with no passion at all, and never uses tongue—altogether, it seems as if he would rather be doing anything else. I think he was never taught how to do it. I have tried modeling what I want without saying anything, but he doesn’t get the hint. It’s like kissing a dead fish. I don’t want to hurt his feelings because our sex life is not the strongest part of our relationship as it is. But I find making out a huge turn-on and really wish it would get better! What do I do?
—Kiss Me, Baby
Dear Kiss Me,
I imagine that someone, somewhere, at some point in time has been able to get what they want, sexually speaking, by modeling their desires. Most of us, though, have to talk about it. I understand that you’re likely venting frustration here, and that’s useful, but you’ll want to approach your husband with a more positive framing—and avoid the image of a dead fish.
You might try asking whether he’s ever thought about using his tongue to kiss you, and have a conversation about it. Hopefully, that’ll lead to a better understanding of why he kisses the way he does. Or you might—if you feel up to it—directly ask for him to try using his tongue.
If you don’t talk about sex often, be prepared for your husband—and yourself—to feel a bit uncomfortable or on edge at first. Your initial conversation might be short, and he might come back in a few days with further information. You can think back on how you’ve successfully tackled other difficult conversations for ways to set yourself up for success on this subject. And if the idea of broaching the topic is truly stressful, you might sit next to each other rather than engage in direct eye contact, or even start from a discussion of how difficult talking about sex is for you. You’ve got this.
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Dear How to Do It,
I just read the Slate article about the withdrawal method of birth control and learned that pre-cum could have sperm in it (thanks for nothing, public school sex ed!), and now I’d love some help reevaluating my birth control regimen. I (30F) have a unique situation that makes the stakes a bit higher than usual: I am in a religious career that would most likely be over if I became pregnant (think teacher at a private religious school), I have sincerely held religious beliefs against abortion (though I’m societally pro-choice!), and I really, really love having sex with my partner (35M).
I thought I was being pretty safe because I’m on Nexplanon and my partner never comes inside me, but we usually start with no condom and as he gets closer, he’ll either decide to put one on or he’ll pull out. He knows the stakes for me and I trust him completely. But if I also need to be worried about pre-cum, is this enough? The article said I should be tracking my fertility and using barriers when I’m ovulating, but that sounds like such a hassle. Don’t get me wrong, I’ll do it if I have to, but I’m hoping you’ll tell me it’s over the top.
Other potentially complicating factors: Nexplanon makes my cycle unpredictable, so it would be a lot more effort to track; I weigh more than 250 pounds, which I’ve heard can make birth control less effective; and condoms make sex objectively worse for both of us because he gets softer and I get drier. I can see us getting married, but not for at least a year, so I’d really appreciate your advice so that sex can continue to be a source of joy and not a source of anxiety!
—Not the Virgin Mary
Dear Not the Virgin Mary,
Your situation involves a lot of unknowns. For instance, the article you linked says, “Thus, researchers still don’t know whether pre-cum has active sperm in it. The only current conclusion is that some men’s pre-ejaculate fluid does, while others’ does not,” meaning that science isn’t sure—in general or about your specific partner. The Nexplanon makes your cycle unpredictable, and although multiple sources say that your weight shouldn’t influence the effectiveness of your implant, there is concern that the morning-after pill (known as Plan B) may not work as well. So, in the event of an accidental ejaculation, Plan B may not work as intended. Much like with the content of pre-cum, studies on this subject conflict.
You have to compare for yourself the anxiety of fear of pregnancy with the hassle of tracking your fertility—along with the understanding that your fertility is less easy to predict than the ideal candidate for the rhythm method. Sex inherently carries risks, whether that’s pregnancy, STIs, or simply mechanical injury in the event of a misaligned thrust. In your position, with the fact that your career could be ended by a pregnancy outside marriage, I would be using condoms for penetration, investing in a high-quality lubricant (I like Pjur’s Woman Nude), and looking to oral sex—giving and receiving—as a way of maintaining intimacy and generating pleasure. Or I’d be trying to find a lab—if that exists—that could tell me whether my specific partner’s pre-ejaculate contains semen.
While it might feel weird to turn to God on matters of premarital sex, you can find comfort in the face of uncertainty in prayer. And whether or not we’re religious, reckoning with uncertainty and risk is part of being an adult.
Dear How to Do It,
I’m (F) excited to be going to a kink-friendly party for the first time and would like to “dress up,” so to speak. While I’m not into the whole vinyl and don’t plan on wearing a leash and collar, I would like to find sultry, high-quality leather, robes, ornaments, and other wares rather than frilly lingerie and costumes. I’d appreciate some recommendations on nice places to find what to wear that aren’t just any sex toy store! Like, where do the Dommes shop?
—No Nurse Costumes
Dear No Nurse Costumes,
The Dommes shop at all sorts of places. Depending on your budget and how much time you have to spend searching, high-fashion designers such as Rick Owens have plenty of sultry leather options. When it comes to sex-forward shops that carry the other items you describe, Coco De Mer, Kiki de Montparnasse, and Fräulein Kink are great places to start.
And you really never know what you might find at a more typical sex store—and at a lower price point. NYC’s Purple Passion, for instance, carries a few leather corsets and things that might fall into the category of “other wares.” I know you’re excited, but this is your first party—you might find that you don’t enjoy them or that you need some time and experience to understand the nuances of how you want to present yourself, sartorially speaking. I strongly encourage you to buy something basic and check the scene out before you invest in something pricey.
—Jessica Stoya
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