How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Dear How to Do It,
My husband (M56) “Dave” and I (F40) have been together for 18 years. Our sex life varies from once every other week to multiple times a week. The higher my stress level, the more often I want to have it.
Dave is always asking for oral, I give, because well, I like doing it and I love having it done. The issue is, he very rarely reciprocates. I make sure that it’s clean and neat down there, but still nothing. He hardly even plays or initiates. I do, once started, he seems to enjoy it greatly. Do I need to start doing something different, or have we just been together too long and the spark is gone?
—To Give Or Not?
Dear To Give or Not,
If you’re having sex multiple times a week (even if it’s not every week) after almost 20 years, I don’t think that qualifies as a dulled spark. In terms of initiating, it seems more likely that this is a pattern that you’ve both fallen into: You’re the initiator and Dave responds in kind. That’s your dynamic and it seems to be working overall.
In terms of oral reciprocation, has Dave ever said anything about his apparent wariness? Have you told him how much you love having it done? Have you ever brought up the feeling of unfairness stemming from his expectations versus his effort? I think a lot of men flaunt their privilege here by anticipating head while at the same time expecting to not have to reciprocate. If you bring to his attention your interest and the general lopsidedness of the equation here, it might be a good reality check for him. Telling him you won’t go down on him again until he goes down on you could be another effective tactic, though he’s allowed to refuse of course. His consent is to be respected and he really does not have to give you oral, but letting him know how meaningful it is to you may be the first step in getting him to reconsider.
—Rich
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