How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Dear How to Do It,
My husband and I have a decently healthy sex life after 22 years together. I am the more adventurous one but lately have been feeling kind of guilty. In the last several years since our kid moved out, our sex life has grown. He’s been open to trying new things I suggest interest in (light BDSM, shibari, remote toys when I travel for work, large dildos, butt plugs, and role-playing the idea of a third partner). And I am grateful he has warmed up to these things because I freaking love them.
He says he doesn’t get much from these things but is open to them and I believe it because he was painfully vanilla for the longest time. So this growth has been lots of fun. When I ask him about what he wants, my guilt settles in. He really only asks for two things: blowjobs and to orgasm more than once. The first one is off the table completely because I have a terrible gag reflex even when brushing my teeth. He knows this. The other is where I feel the most guilty. I honestly just really am not into penis. Not just his but any penis. Lips? Yes. Tongue? Yes, please! Hands and fingers? Absolutely! Toys? Sign me up! But I just don’t really like penis. And it is enough to have him orgasm once because at that point I am done. My body and mind hit the brakes hard. I am attracted to him (and guys in general) but the penis I just have no love for. Am I abnormal?
—There’s Just One Thing
Jessica Stoya: You know how sometimes you have to say something that isn’t particularly easy to receive, but it is the truth?
Rich Juzwiak: Yeah, sure.
Jessica: Our writer is having sex that they don’t want to be having. They’re tolerating their partner and they’re saying that they have a decently healthy sex life. But the sentences, “it is enough to have him orgasm once” and “the penis, I just have no love for,” tell me this situation is not OK. And it seems to be, at least initially, self-imposed. I don’t know if the letter writer has communicated to their husband that they don’t want to give blowjobs and he continues to ask for them. If that’s the case, that’s not OK either. But also staying in a relationship with a man who has a penis and not telling him, “I’m just not into penises and I don’t know why,” does a disservice to him.
Rich: Right. I mean, I am sure this is a thing, but I do wonder how much our writer has thought about how they feel about vulvas. Is this a kind of denial of sexuality? I don’t know. I feel like I’ve heard people talk about this. “I like men, but I don’t like dick.” But it’s hard to have sex with somebody if they have one and that’s what they use to get off, and to not really engage with that. Not only is the LW having sex that they don’t want, but they can’t really provide the kind of sex that he wants.
Jessica: Exactly. I don’t know about abnormal, but I do know that it’s unfair to both of them the way this sexual relationship is at this time.
Rich: I think that’s wise. The fact that they’ve been together for 22 years and he can come more than once is impressing me. And, interestingly, he seems really engaged despite knowing all of this stuff. I mean, they write, “I have a terrible gag reflex even when brushing my teeth, he knows this.” And yet he’s still kind of trying for what he’s interested in. So, are they not letting on that they are not into penis? It seems like that might be the case. It seems like he doesn’t understand the full extent or he just doesn’t care, right?
Jessica: Yeah. It seems like either the LW has said, “Oh, I can’t really give you a blowjob because of my gag reflex” and left it at that. I can’t do much in the blowjob department period, no further information given. Or they’ve told him the truth about their lack of interest in penis in general and let him know that blowjobs are completely off the table and he continues to ask for them. Either situation is unfortunate.
Rich: There’s a real rift here.
Jessica: If the LW hasn’t been forthright and forthcoming with him, I would suggest they sit him down for a talk and say, “Hey, here’s what I love about our marriage, and you. I have to tell you something that is probably going to come as a shock to you after 22 years and having a child together. I just don’t like penis and I don’t know what’s up with that.” And then go from there.
Rich: Yeah. Because your body and mind hitting the brakes hard is not something that you can really fake your way through, right? I mean, if you’re hitting that wall, that’s just total discomfort.
Jessica: And even if you can fake your way through it, it’s not healthy.
Rich: What a pickle.
Jessica: I agree with what you said up top about it’s worth considering how they feel about vulvas—and how they feel about sex in general, right? Is the point of it to have an orgasm or is there excitement in giving pleasure to other people regardless of the genitals? Generally, what do they want out of sex, and what about other people makes the LW interested in them sexually? I think these are good things to think about.
Rich: Definitely. I also think, and look, I’m not calling bullshit or anything like that, but it’s interesting that they’re interested in large dildos but not penis.
Jessica: I’m really curious about that, too. What is it about penises that make them off-putting or all of these other things? And when they role-play the idea of a third partner, what does the third partner look like, right?
Rich: Exactly.
Jessica: Is it another woman, is it a man?
Rich: Trans man?
Jessica: Have they even considered trans men as a type of human gender expression in the world?
Rich: Also, I can’t help but wonder if there’s some kind of trauma related to this distaste.
Jessica: Yes. I was trying to figure out a polite way to phrase: Did a penis hurt you at some point? Was there trauma? Or even did the LW have experiences where maybe the penis hit their cervix in an uncomfortable way that comes from the kind of thrusting that a biological penis tends to do? It’s really worth trying to do some introspection around what it is about the penis that they have no love for. Just to be able to better communicate with their husband about what the options are for physically connecting. And after 22 years of marriage with no mention of abuse or maltreatment, I think the LW owes him as much information as they’re able to give him.
Rich: Definitely. If they can’t conjure that, it might be worth talking to a professional who could help unlock certain things because it’s not a tenable situation. But the letter opens describing a “decently healthy sex life,” and then they go on to enumerate all of this stuff that they’re into. It’s kind of a mixed bag here.
Jessica: It’s possible that what the husband wants most is to get the LW off and give them pleasure, and then blowjobs and more orgasms are numbers two and three in terms of priorities. If that’s the case, they could absolutely have a really fun still fulfilling sex life for the rest of their lives. But if he doesn’t know the extent of how not into penis the LW is, that’s something that needs to be expressed.
Rich: I agree.
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