Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
I don’t want my sister-in-law around me or my children. She is infertile and thinks it is an excuse to act out and hurt other people. During my first pregnancy, she caused a huge scene at my baby shower and then locked herself in the bathroom crying when we introduced the baby to the extended family. During my second pregnancy, she threw a fit because she wasn’t invited to the baby shower or left in the family chat about my pregnancy. She made negative comments about the names of my children and my choice not to breastfeed as well as me going back to work and getting a nanny. I tried to be sympathetic but years of her negativity have washed that away.
We went on a family vacation for the first time in three years, and I had to go to the ER because of sudden heavy blood loss. It turned out I had a miscarriage despite being on birth control. We had talked about whether or not to try for a third child, but I was ambivalent at the time. I was speaking with my husband and mother-in-law about how this may have been a blessing in disguise, only for my sister-in-law to step out of the kitchen and berate me: I don’t know how blessed I am, how could I even dare speak those words when there are women who would do anything for a child, how selfish can I be, etc. I had gotten back from the ER not even three hours before. When we got back, I told my husband I was done. His sister needs professional help and until she gets it, I don’t want her around me and our kids. Thank God that my father-in-law took the kids out during this all.
My husband argues that his sister is just in pain and it will put a serious strain with his parents for us not to see her. They are very protective of her. I told him he needs to protect his wife and children. I am sorry for his sister’s pain but I am not her personal punching bag anymore.
—Not a Punching Bag
Dear Not a Punching Bag,
While your sister-in-law’s condition is heartbreaking, she has no right to mistreat you because you’ve been fortunate enough to have children. You absolutely should go no-contact with her until she makes amends for how she has behaved and vows that she’s done acting so badly. How does she treat your children? Making fun of their names was definitely in poor form, but if she’s kind to them, I don’t think it would be wrong for them to keep seeing her when they are in their father’s care. If she has acted inappropriately with them then yes, you absolutely should keep them away from her.
Let your husband know that you have had all that you can take of her antics and that you simply won’t spend time in her presence anymore. He can continue his relationship with her as he sees fit, but you do not need to be a part of that (nor do your children if she has been unkind to them). Explain that you are resolved on this matter and that you are unwilling to change your stance unless she makes a point to acknowledge how she has treated you and apologize. If your in-laws confront you about this, stick to your guns and remind them how badly she has made you feel over the years.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
My dad is an alcoholic and planning to visit soon. While his drinking has been prevalent and heavy throughout my life, he’s been functional and a good dad overall. The biggest issues are memory lapses of conversations had after 8 p.m. Here’s my question: When he comes to visit, he drinks 1-3 bottles of wine by himself each night. As a host, should I provide this quantity of wine, or is it his responsibility to contribute extra wine for himself? He does pay his travel expenses, and neither he, nor we, are strapped for cash. It’s most that I struggle mentally with buying a case of wine that I know he will down after I’m already asleep. Please help.
—Limits of Hospitality
Dear Limits,
You absolutely do NOT need to provide your father with enough wine to drink excessively. It would make more sense for you to have no wine in the house at all than for you to go out of your way to enable his alcoholism. I understand that you have made peace with his addiction and only want to be a good host, but you shouldn’t be helping him harm himself. You can ask that your father limit his drinking to a few glasses of wine when he comes to visit you, and if you feel so inclined, you can have a bottle or two on deck to share with him (though, again, I think it would be best if you didn’t make a point of accommodating his problem at all). If he wants to drink 1, 2, or 3 bottles of wine a night, he’ll have to provide that for himself—but, well, again, you shouldn’t be empowering his drinking problem, and you should really be asking that he doesn’t drink at all with you. I imagine that you are considering withdrawal and how he may behave if he doesn’t have anything to drink, but you aren’t doing anything to help him long-term by giving him a space to overindulge. Consider reaching out to Al-Anon or another organization that works with loved ones of alcoholics for more guidance.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
My mother unexpectedly died last year, leaving her estate divided between my brother and me. I couldn’t give up our childhood home, so I bought him out and moved in. “Sandy” was his girlfriend at the time. She is pregnant now and will not shut her big mouth about her baby “deserving” a yard to run around in and how my mother would want to give “everything” to her grandchild. My brother has a one-bedroom condo in the city, which Sandy hates. She has zero assets unless you count the bun in the oven. My brother gets uncomfortable when she goes on her spiels but refuses to correct her in any way, shape, or form because of the baby.
During a recent visit, Sandy “jokingly” tried on my mother’s engagement ring as I was washing dishes and it took every bone in my body not to punch her in the face. My brother later apologized but added that he might need the ring in the future. All my mother’s jewelry came to me, and I wear her engagement ring daily. I love my brother; he is my only remaining family left, but I would rather chuck all the jewelry into the ocean and burn the house down than let Sandy profit off it. What do I do here? Sandy isn’t leaving, and I am hanging on by my fingernails.
—Family Left
Dear Family Left,
As far as the house goes, your brother has to cope with the fact that he chose to let you buy him out; unfortunately, he did not consider that he may need more space for a growing family, but that is a decision that he made, and that’s that. With regard for the jewelry, you inherited it and, thus, it is up to you to use it as you see fit. If you don’t want to give your brother your mother’s engagement ring, don’t. Instead of waiting for him to ask in the future, let him know now that the ring is something you treasure and that you are unwilling to part ways with it. Your brother is a grown man and he can make a way to house his family and propose to his woman on his own; it is not up to you to accommodate either of those things.
Dear Care and Feeding,
When I was in high school, my father married a woman whom he barely knew, and after a very rocky marriage for all affected parties, they divorced. They later remarried and kept it a secret from the family, prompting me to cut contact with him. We reconnected, but my father mailed me a letter containing his wife’s “rules” I was expected to follow in her presence. I declined. Fast forward eight years, and my father and I live on opposite coasts. I don’t see him often because I’m not welcome in his wife’s house and she’s not welcome in mine. That being said, I see my father aging, and I worry about the time we’re losing. He’s coming to my city next week, and has asked that my husband and I attend dinner with him and his wife. Should I stand my ground, or accept that some grudges have too big a price to pay?
—The Wicked Stepdaughter
Dear Wicked Stepdaughter,
You weren’t wrong to put boundaries between you and your father’s wife as a result of her ridiculous rules. However, as you mentioned, your father is aging and you live on different sides of the country. I think it would be worth it for you to try and make it through dinner with him and his wife. Let him know in advance that disrespect won’t be tolerated and that you will leave if she speaks to you inappropriately. Go and try to make the best of the time you and your dad have together. Hopefully, his wife will be on her best behavior. If she isn’t, tell your dad that going forward, you’re only willing to see him when she’s not around.
—Jamilah
