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Dear Care and Feeding,
I’m really struggling to maintain a relationship with my husband’s best friend from childhood, Bryan, and his wife, Katie. They have two kids, aged 4 and 1.5, that completely run their household. This isn’t the “normal” (or even above average) level of creating your life around young kids—I have two myself and I’m not unsympathetic to how you just have to give in for your own sanity sometimes. But this is on a completely unhealthy level. For example, their oldest has had severe digestive issues for which they’ve seen multiple specialists and gotten no answers. Yet every single night, she eats a hot dog, canned sweetened corn, tater tots, and a can of root beer zero sugar because “that’s all she’ll eat.” Every. Single. Night. Katie openly admits this and we often see each other as neighbors.
While I’m appalled by these and other choices, the thing I really struggle with is Katie’s constant complaining about how miserable she is because of how demanding her kids are and how much they drive her crazy. Yet she struggles to understand that it’s because she has allowed her kids to make all of the decisions. They have an upcoming trip and their eldest had an absolute tantrum about the idea of going on an airplane (she’s never been on one before). Rather than introduce the idea of flying in an age-appropriate manner that could encourage some excitement, they canceled their flights and are opting to drive 17 hours one way instead of taking the 2.5-hour flight. And Bryan recently had back surgery!
I can’t imagine subjecting myself to 17 hours in a car with back issues over taking a 2.5-hour flight because my 4-year-old said she didn’t want to—and then complaining about it as if I have no say in the matter.
For the sake of our friendship (and my husband’s friendship), I need to figure out a way to coexist with this family. How do I maintain a supportive, friendly relationship with her when we’re together and she begins venting about how unhappy she is? I’ve tried to help and have often taken her kids on adventures to expose them to new things. Is there a mantra I can repeat to myself? Or, am I destined to watch the train conductor intentionally wreck the train and then play the victim?
—Baffled in Boston
Dear Baffled,
I’m familiar with the dynamic you’re describing, and I know how frustrating it can be to watch. You don’t have to like or agree with anyone else’s parenting decisions in order to be polite to them. Nor do you have to fight or ignore your own irritation—but I do think you should try to expend as little energy as possible on it, for your own sake. Acknowledge to yourself that you’re annoyed, and then try not to waste your energy wishing they were totally different parents. Nothing you think or say will get Bryan and Katie to tell their kids “no” once in a while. Vent to others if you must, and be civil when you see them. Nod along when Katie complains about her kids, and/or be ready to change the subject. Don’t try to offer her advice; the more you respond to her venting, the more she’ll think of you as the right audience for it.
Being polite when you see them is one thing, but I don’t think you should have to see them all the time. I don’t know what your relationship with your husband is like, but if you feel able, you could try to be honest with him about some of this—let him know that you really value these relationships for his sake, but you just don’t feel as close to Katie as he does to Bryan, and you might not go along every single time they get together. You can emphasize that you’re glad he has such a good friend in his life, and will do whatever you can to support that friendship and their time together. Your husband should really be able to understand and accept this—again, as long as you’re respectful and kind, you don’t have to be anyone’s best friend just because he is! It is not only okay but super common for spouses to have different friends they feel close to. It’ll probably take some time to find it, but trust me, there is some middle ground here. And it might well prove easier for you personally to spend less time with Katie and Bryan as all your kids get older and you get busier.
The flying example you shared felt extreme to me too, but some children have a lot of anxiety, and it’s not our job to tell their parents how to respond. I’m not saying that you’re wrong in your analysis of the family dynamic, or that you shouldn’t be bothered by it. But as you acknowledge the way you feel, you can also acknowledge the fact that it’s impossible to know everything that’s going on in another family, or with someone else’s kids.
—Nicole
