Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My 6-year-old daughter, husband, and in-laws all seem to have a problem with hearing and responding to me. With my in-laws, I’ve long been ignored in conversations, and when I’ve made comments to them—loudly, and in the normal flow of discussion—they just don’t respond. My husband has done it our whole marriage, and it has always been a huge area of contention. For example, if I ask from another room for him to do a task for our nighttime routine, he won’t reply, but if I ask him again for confirmation (nicely), he will huff, angrily, “I heard you—I will in a minute.” He has told me he “answers in his head” and doesn’t realize he hasn’t responded.
My daughter, too, doesn’t respond to basic, everyday questions fairly often—I have to ask her multiple times, then finally demand an answer. It is particularly bad when the TV is on: I have to yell and clap in her face or just turn the TV off to get a reply. She has made it easier for me to understand this behavior in her dad and extended family, but it doesn’t help me much. I don’t know if there’s a condition here (no one in the family has been diagnosed with a learning disability, and all are high functioning in their work and school), but I can’t talk to my husband about it—that is, I have talked to him about it, but he gets angry at me for what he considers to be a cognitive difference.
I have talked to my therapist about it, and she has given me coping strategies for when it distresses me. My problem, though, is that this goes beyond something I can cope with. It seems as if I have to fight to be heard even in everyday settings. Part of me thinks I must be playing some sort of role in this family where I don’t need to be listened to. And part of me feels as if it is just a really unfortunate personality trait that I have to live with. None of me likes it. I’ve stopped trying to talk to most of them (save my daughter) because of it, because I can’t find a way in. Trying further is too much for me emotionally. (I’ve been in this family for over 20 years.) Is this normal?
—Not Really Sure I Exist
Dear Not Sure,
Oh, my dear! I assure you that you exist. But it’s so awful to feel unseen and unheard. And it’s gone on for so long that it’s transformed from a quirk of your marriage to a minor annoyance to a literal existential crisis. You must feel as if you could scream—but even then, would anyone be paying attention?
Though you may well be right in your suspicion that the inattention of your in-laws, your husband, and your daughter are all related, I do think you need to handle them in different ways. With your in-laws, I say, in all sincerity: Fuck ’em. Bow out of as many in-law visits as you can get away with, and when you must see them, just be perfectly polite. When you’ve had enough, excuse yourself and play with your phone somewhere else. You have enough on your plate without worrying about trying to accommodate them, 20 years in.
With your daughter, I think you’ve been caught in a bit of a vicious cycle. Inattention of this sort is developmentally appropriate for a 6-year-old, but you’re living life in a state of perpetual irritation, so you’re setting yourself up for conflict and bad feelings in your interactions with her. Rather than trying to get her attention during a TV show, for example—which leads to yelling at her or clapping in her face, neither of which, I’m sure, makes either of you feel good—see if you can save your requests for when TV time is over. And even in non-TV time, I’d ask you to really concentrate on beginning interactions with her by encouraging focus on you and your one-on-one connection. Don’t lead by yelling, “Madisonleigh, clean up your toys!” from another room; lead by gently and kindly putting yourself in her line of sight and saying, “Madisonleigh, let’s talk.” I know that this can feel exhausting, but I assure you that you’ll find this less stressful, overall, than a communication pattern that inevitably leads to conflict.
You make these concessions for your daughter because she’s not in a developmental stage where she can do anything about her inattention. But your husband sure is. It’s time for him to step up and meet you halfway. Sit him down—I guess in a room with no distractions—and tell him, kindly but bluntly, that you are at your wits’ end and that you cannot endure feeling forever invisible in your own home. Tell him that while you know that he is not trying to make you miserable and unhappy, that is nonetheless the way you feel, and you need his help—not to “answer in his head” or to become angry with you for your emotions, but to be present and caring and help save your marriage. Insist that he attend couples counseling with you, where you can both focus on strategies that will help you communicate with each other in ways that feel more meaningful and less maddening.
Good luck. I promise I see you!
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Dear Care and Feeding,
My daughter got a partial scholarship to an out-of-state university. Even with her taking on a work-study job, there was no way our family could afford to pay for her housing. Luckily, my aunt lives nearby and has a spare room. She offered to let my daughter stay there but was insistent on the house rules: no guests without permission, cleanliness, quietness, and a 10 p.m. curfew unless our daughter was spending the night somewhere else. My aunt worked the morning shift for over 50 years and goes to bed fairly early.
My daughter agreed to this. Now she will not stop complaining about how it is cramping her social life and she lives like a nun. I told her she is lucky my aunt even offered to house her. If she wants to move out and get her own place, she will have to figure it out on her own. She said that her father and I are horrible parents for not supporting her. We are very proud of her getting this scholarship, but from Day 1, we have been realistic about what we can afford. We have two other children and our retirement to take care of. She had other in-state options but had her heart set on this university.
So far, my aunt isn’t aware that my daughter feels this way. How do I deal with my daughter?
—In a State out of State
Dear State,
Your daughter, who I’m sure is often a lovely and admirable person, is behaving like a real brat. You’ve been straight with her about the level of support you can afford to give, and she’s the one who chose a more expensive school. You found a housing solution that allowed her to attend that more expensive school, and now she’s complaining about the solution. Given all the stories I read about today’s young people refusing to leave their dorm rooms, I’m glad that at least one college student does not want to live like a nun, but still, she needs to get a grip.
You’re right that she’s lucky that your aunt made the offer, but when you’re discussing the situation with her, you might want to focus less on her good fortune (which she resents having to acknowledge) than on the aunt’s kindness (which, the fact that she’s complaining to you, not her, suggests she understands). This distant relative opened her home to a young woman in need; she’s retired after a long and challenging career; she deserves her peace and quiet.
I think your daughter, though, is within her rights to politely present the case to your aunt for a modification of the curfew rule. I know college students who take classes that end at 10 p.m.! And a curfew that early doesn’t only affect your kid’s social life; it makes it harder to attend study sessions, join extracurricular activities, and generally take advantage of all that college has to offer. Can she propose to her aunt a schedule that allows her to do some of those things, to quietly let herself in by, say, midnight, with a solemn vow not to abuse those privileges?
But if your aunt says no, she says no. That’s the price of doing business. Your daughter can decide whether her out-of-state experience is worth the hassle; she can get a part-time job to defray or cover housing costs; or she can transfer back to an in-state school. But she needs to consider and make those choices like an adult, not like a brat.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
My 9-year-old daughter is in a small school with only 12 girls in the grade. Last year, seven of the girls had their own Halloween party and group costume. My daughter was not invited. I was quite hurt that a couple of their mothers, whom I consider friends, did not reach out to ask if she wanted to be included. It is clear now that she is in the uncool group. This would be okay, except that her best friend is leaving the school at the end of the year. It means she is left with two friends, who could very well be in the other class.
She has a very strong sense of self, much more than I did at her age, and she doesn’t want to be with the cool kids. I admire this quality so much. I brought up Halloween with one mom, who is now freezing me out, so I never spoke to anyone else. I am concerned that fifth grade will be miserable. My daughter doesn’t know that her best friend is leaving, but she will soon. Should I tell her now? How do I manage her (and my) feelings around this?
—Fed Up With Friend Drama
Dear Friend,
Despite the younger generation’s inarguable progress on so many issues, from gender fluidity to body positivity, the sorting of kids at precisely this age into the “cool ones” and the “uncool ones” remains an intractable part of American childhood. Boy, does it suck. I salute your daughter’s determination to blow off the cool kids, a conviction that I, like you, did not share when I was her age. Instead, I was desperate for innumerable Tims and Jims to laugh at my jokes. It took me a few years to realize that it would be much more fruitful to simply be friends with the kids who wanted to be friends with me.
So, it’s good news that she has reached that conclusion immediately. You may fret that this limits terribly her friend opportunities at such a small school, but even with a bestie departing, there still remain more kids than you might think with whom she can form a bond. You can always chat with her school’s principal about your concern, which might persuade her to ensure that your daughter has a friend in her fifth grade class. You can also improve her odds by signing her up for a few outside-of-school activities where she may encounter kids in other grades or from other schools.
And do your best not to get wrapped up in the social ups and downs of your town’s 9-year-olds. I say this knowing just how badly it hurts a parent to see their child rejected by another child—it happens to all of us. But still, as much as you can, allow her to find her own way, and recognize that she seems to have a good head on her shoulders.
And no—if she doesn’t know that her friend is going to a new school, I would not tell her yet. It’s possible her friend doesn’t even know about the upcoming move, and your daughter should not be the one to break it to her!
Dear Care and Feeding,
My wife and I have been married seven years. She has a 15-year-old and a 19-year-old from her first marriage. Her ex has “equal” custody that gets him out of child support, but the reality is that 95 percent of the time, the kids are here. My career just got a huge boost, but it means moving to a different state. My wife works remotely, so she can work anywhere. The kids are up in arms about even the thought of moving away from their friends. That I can understand. But I can’t understand my wife’s waffling when they threaten to move out and live with their dad. It isn’t going to happen. It is an empty threat, and I honestly am annoyed at the kids trying to manipulate their mom like this.
I agreed to delay the move until summer, but that means me flying back and forth and renting an apartment. Then my wife started to argue that this is the solution forever: she and the kids stay in the house—which was mine before our marriage—and their lives go on unaltered, while I financially support them all. She says she has to put her kids “first and foremost.” I am wondering if I even make the top 10 list of her priorities. We’ve done counseling before. Right now I am ready to say: “If you’re not coming with me, then our marriage is over.” I love her, but this is an opportunity I have been working toward my entire career. Help.
—Moving or Moving On
Dear Moving,
Ordinarily, I would note that many mothers would agree with your wife that their first and foremost responsibility is to their children, and that it’s not at all surprising that she should want to find a solution that allows, for example, her younger child to finish high school where they started. I would say that if you can afford it, a plan like the one she suggests—you splitting time between your new home and your old one, not “forever,” but for the two years or so until the 15-year-old graduates—would certainly not be ideal but is not at all unthinkable. Indeed, many families in such situations find that this works well enough.
Under normal circumstances, I would even mention that it’s not impossible for a family in this situation to arrange for a 19-year-old and a 15-year-old to live alone, with the 19-year-old in charge and parents frequently checking in from near and far. I would add that an ultimatum in which you basically ask a woman to choose between her husband and her children is no way to keep your marriage together.
However! You so transparently want out of this situation that it hardly seems worth bringing all this stuff up. You resent your wife and her children for living in “your house”; you are certain that counseling could never help because you’ve “done it before”; you are soooo angry that you don’t come first. You’re even angry at the children for trying to figure out if their father might help solve this problem! Look: Your family is less important to you than your job. Just own it! Take the job, move away, and stop making your wife miserable that she has to deal with three needy children every day.
Or, if you really do love her, you could be a grown-up and actually try—maybe even with a counselor’s help!—to find a solution that isn’t about satisfying your ego at everyone else’s expense.
—Dan
More Advice From Slate
My son is a freshman at our default public high school. I have heard nothing but good things about the school. It is one of the highest rated in the district and the state. Its campus is state-of-the-art. It offers more classes, clubs, and extracurricular activities than I could imagine.
But my son hates it there. He loves his teachers, but he hates his peers. And I mean he hates them. Our neighbors are all very rich and are the kind of entitled jerks that pass their crap values on to their kids. I have met a few of their kids who go to the high school, and I appear to be right. These kids are all like their parents—they think they can do whatever they want and can walk all over people.
I have concerns about moving my son, since the current school is very good academically, and the only private school in the area is Catholic (we’re Jewish). There are several charter schools in the area, but none has anywhere near the rating of his current school or the volume of opportunities his current school has. I want the best for my son but feel very conflicted and unsure about what to do. An outside opinion would be great.
