How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Dear How to Do It,
My husband and I have been married for five years, and while our sex life is active and fine, I’m finding it a little lacking. Due to a fairly traumatic upbringing, my husband is very hesitant and self-conscious, and any kind of rejection can wreck his confidence for days (he also flat-out refuses any kind of therapy—he says he’s already lived through it and doesn’t want to go through the experience again with a stranger). This means I initiate all of our sexual encounters.
The problem with this stems from the fact that I’m a dyed-in-the-wool submissive. In my public-facing life, I’m a strong, well-educated, over-achieving woman but behind closed doors, I need sub-space to maintain some balance inside my head. I need somewhere safe where I can give up being in control, if even for an hour or two. My previous relationship was a wonderful Dom/sub relationship in the bedroom that ticked all of my boxes but due to career and personal aspirations, we couldn’t make it work and the relationship ended when he moved to the opposite coast.
My husband doesn’t mind a little intense sex (spanking, hair pulling) but I need more. He’s flat out said he isn’t confident enough to step into the role of a Dom and now we’re at a bit of an impasse. I love this man with all my heart—he’s hilarious, we have so much fun together outside of bed, and he’s a wonderful father to our children but I feel like I’m slowly cracking under all of the pressures in my life because I don’t have an outlet.
—Please, Sir
Dear Please,
You don’t give many details about what kind of Dom/sub relationship would be fulfilling for you, but I have some ideas that might fit what you fancy. If there’s any element of protocol to the submission you desire, you could build a way of initiating sex from a position that works with that power dynamic. This could look like a certain act of service—maybe a massage—or a certain pose, such as kneeling naked. You also might open the interaction with your sign-off, “Please, Sir.” Negotiate with your husband to find one (or more) method of initiating that is within what you’re both comfortable with.
As for your husband’s general discomfort stepping into the role of a dominant, it’s worth getting more detail. The more you can be clear about what exactly you’re missing, and the more he can be clear about what he is and isn’t comfortable with, the better the chances are that you can find an overlap that allows for the outlet you need.
Lastly, and this isn’t always an option or the most functional option, opening up the relationship to either a play partner for you or visits to a professional is a possibility to explore. Sometimes keeping things transactional makes the idea of opening up easier to handle, and definitely keeps emotions more manageable. Most professional dominants won’t engage in penetration, anyway, so that may help your husband separate what you might do with a pro from what the two of you do together.
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Dear How to Do It,
I (32F) am in a relatively recent (about 9 months) relationship with a guy (29) I think I have a long future with. We have pretty good emotional and sexual chemistry, we’re exploring more things together, and are very good at communicating overall. I have a problem that comes from two different desires of mine.
First, his big thing when we started out in bed was asking me pretty regularly what I wanted and if what he was doing was working. There’s nothing that gets me out of the mood to have sex more than thinking about it actively. When I’m having sex, the less I have to think about and do the better, and talking about what’s going on too much or checking in too regularly will make me lose all interest. This isn’t changing.
Over time, my boyfriend has gotten on board with him being in charge (and he’s happy to be) and feeling comfortable that when I don’t want something I’ll make it clear, but to assume things are working if I’m not saying anything. He’s also very good at respecting boundaries along with listening to and internalizing “No”, which makes me feel way more comfortable and in the zone with him than with past partners. He initiates, he gets me off a few times, we end together, and he runs the show.
Second, I’ve discovered that I like anal play. It was always a fantasy for me before, but now we’ve started to explore that a little and I get orgasms that I didn’t think were possible a year ago when he’s been playing with my ass. This is something that I want more of. Here’s the problem: There are times when I want nothing near my ass, much less anal play, and my boyfriend has internalized that. But the times when I most want it are when I’m the most submissive and I want to say nothing about it, I just want him to slip his fingers in and take me. My boyfriend is cautious about moving back there most of the time, and the times when he’s most likely to start checking in with me are when he starts to play with my ass, which is the exact opposite of what I want in that moment (even if I appreciate where it’s coming from.) How do we fix this conundrum?
—Waiting for It to Slip In
Dear Waiting for It to Slip In,
Your boyfriend hears “no” well, and I assume you can reliably use your “no.” There’s something that’s now called “opt-out consent”—and it sounds like that’s what the two of you have started doing with most of sex. You solve the conundrum by having a talk with your boyfriend about how you’d like to use opt-out consent for anal play. You can use what you’ve written here as a template. I’m guessing your dude already knows that checking in a lot turns you off, and that you don’t want to think during sex, but you might want to recap that. You might institute a policy of giving him a rectal weather report when you start having sex. If you don’t want anything near your ass, you tell him, and if you don’t say anything, he can assume that he can involve that part of your body.
Do be wary, though, of expecting your partner to read your mind. And remember that the more communication the two of you have, the lower the chances are that you’ll get hurt or do harm. The two of you, as consenting adults, get to decide how much risk you’re going to take.
Dear How to Do It,
I (51F) have been seeing someone (35M) exclusively for four months. It started as a hookup and it was, and still is, the best sex I’ve ever had. We’ve since decided to be in an exclusive relationship and he’s a great partner. Generous, funny, thoughtful, and supportive, and he also cooks and cleans. The one thing I’m struggling with is that we only make out or have sex when he wants it. If he’s not in the mood, nothing I do seems to get him turned on. I’ll try to start kissing him and he’ll give me a quick peck. I’ll try to cuddle or caress him and he’ll sit passively and not respond, although he says it doesn’t bother him when I do it. If I tell him I feel rejected by his disinterest he shuts the conversation down. He’s not a touchy-feely guy in general but when he’s in the mood he’s extremely passionate. How can I manage my feelings of rejection and frustration when I’m horny and he’s not? Do you think this issue means we’re ultimately not compatible? Is he just not as into me?
—Turned On and Turned Away
Dear Turned On and Turned Away,
I’m not sure whether your boyfriend is shutting down conversations about the rejection you feel all the time or only when you’ve just attempted to initiate sex. If it’s all the time, I’m concerned that the relationship is unhealthy. If he’s only shutting down conversations in the moments you try to get him in the mood, have that conversation at a different time.
You’re four months into the relationship and you have some kind of issue going on but not many details. This is a great time to see whether you can have open discussions about sexuality, needs, and desires—and to gauge whether he’s as open to compromise as you are. He might not be as into you as you are into him. He might be engaging in an abusive power play. He might simply have a lower interest in sex than you do (in which case you might compromise by engaging in masturbation while he holds you). He might have erectile dysfunction that he’s hiding from you because he’s embarrassed, and being passive because he doesn’t know how to tell you that he needs to take a pill and wait half an hour. The possibilities are endless. You won’t know until you talk about it. Have the talk now, and move on if he won’t engage in conversation.
—Jessica Stoya
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