When you’re preparing to quit your job, you generally focus on business logistics like scheduling your last day, wrapping up your projects, and transitioning contacts to your replacement. But in some offices—more than you’d think—you also need to prepare for a manager who takes your departure as a personal betrayal of the worst kind.
You wouldn’t think quitting a job would have much in common with a romantic breakup—it’s business, not personal—but my mailbox is full of letters from people whose managers are deeply aggrieved by their resignations. Often, they respond with either fury or despair.
For the record, this is bizarre. People leave jobs! Resignations are a normal part of doing business, and managers should expect every employee to move on at some point. A departure might be disappointing, but it’s not treasonous—these are jobs, not blood bonds.
And yet, here are some firsthand accounts from people who have written to me at Ask a Manager about their bosses’ utterly unhinged responses when they resigned:
My co-worker put in her two weeks today, which my boss responded to by saying, “I hate you.” For the rest of the day she was nasty, threw things, and pouted as if she was a toddler.
Late last year, I accepted a new position at another firm. I told my boss as soon as possible, and she took the news awfully, telling me she was furious and felt betrayed. The conversation went terribly and caused a lot of stress on my part. I’m currently in the process of working out my (long) notice period, and my boss hasn’t spoken to me since. My colleague—a direct report—has confirmed that my boss is actively choosing not to speak to me.
Just this morning, my actions—which I’ve done my absolute best to keep courteous and professional—have been called “unprofessional,” “a betrayal,” and “an insult.” My manager sat me down and berated me and even insulted me personally for 15 minutes, then copied me on a very nasty email to the head of the office and another manager here. I was also copied on the reply from the other manager, who called my actions “odd” and “hostile.” I have done nothing more than give my two weeks notice—which at this company is seen as a betrayal, apparently. I’m now contemplating leaving even earlier, as the work environment has really gotten hostile.
Ever since I gave notice, my boss and a few colleagues have been making me feel miserable. They’re saying things like, “The work you do is so vital,” “Nobody else can do what you do,” and “You’ve left us in a really bad situation, I have no idea how we will get through this.” My boss even implied that if the organization goes under, it will be partially my fault. Almost every time I walk down the hall, I can hear my boss talking with other people about how he feels screwed over by my departure.
I’m making the jump to another kind of role and gave notice. My colleagues are being lovely, but my two managers have lost it. They’re “disappointed,” “betrayed,” and are taking time off to deal with their feelings. They haven’t made me a counteroffer or tried to talk about how to ease the transition or anything practical at all. So I’m not sure what their point is, except … to make me feel bad? The few times I’ve tried to discuss something relating to handover, the discussion has gotten derailed. One of them even said, “Fine, we’ll just close the whole department, because how will it function without you?”
Despite my telling my boss that I was quitting for health reasons and that it was nothing personal, she sent me several emails about how I was “betraying” her, how she had been “unfailingly kind and generous” to me, and how “karma” would catch up to me. To my personal email address, no less. All this after only three months of employment. Needless to say, I did not serve out my notice period and quit the next day.
My manager found out I interviewed for another position, and threw a screaming fit, complete with “We’re a family, and family doesn’t do this to each other!” and the whole disloyalty thing, among others. I calmly reminded her that this is a business, not a family, and workers are free to pursue other opportunities. We work for the company, and the company gives us money and benefits in return. That’s it. When I leave, she’ll get the standard two-week notice, and if she pulls a stunt like she did before, pacing around, screaming, etc., I’m leaving that day.
Despite my one-month notice, writing a manual on all of my standard procedures, and presenting my boss with a status report of every project his company was working on, he refused to shake my hand as I was leaving. He wouldn’t even look up from the desk at me. When I showed up to my new job the next Monday, he had already called and left a voicemail that I had left him high and dry and had not told anyone how to do my job and now he had no one. I kinda felt sorry for him until he did that! His office manager was also my best friend and she never spoke to me again. I am currently going through a divorce that is not as painful an experience as that was!
If you’re thinking this sounds bananas … it is.
It’s particularly odd when you consider the transactional nature of employment: People work for money! It’s normal for each side to act in their own interests. Certainly when the situation is reversed and an employer decides it makes business sense to fire someone or lay them off, managers seem to see that reality much more clearly.
What, then, are these personally devastated bosses thinking? One manager who wrote to me explained it this way:
I’m a manager who has trouble when employees leave. I had a recent experience where I was shocked that my employee was leaving, despite having no inkling of it prior and also having extensive conversations where we discussed her future. I get that things come up and that people need to do what they think is best for them, but I work really hard to be professionally supportive and understanding of personal issues (and I was very helpful with this employee around family issues). I just feel betrayed.
But of course, regardless of how supportive and understanding a manager is (or thinks they are —which isn’t necessarily the same thing), people might still choose to leave! Sometimes it’s because they can get paid more someplace else, work on more interesting projects, receive more opportunities to advance, or have a shorter commute. Sometimes it’s because they have frustrations with their current workplace that they didn’t choose to share with their boss (because they didn’t see a realistic resolution, or didn’t feel like expending the energy to raise it)—or they did share their concerns and nothing changed. Sometimes they’re just ready for something new. Managers should expect any and all of these situations—it’s just how employing people goes.
Moreover, many of the managers who react badly to resignations didn’t bother to do the things that might have helped avoid them, like increasing the person’s pay, taking their concerns seriously, or even just asking what would keep them happy at work. None of that guarantees an employee won’t move on anyway, but outrage over a departure is particularly ironic when the manager previously put no energy into retaining the employee in the first place.
Workers don’t owe their companies lifelong loyalty. They owe good work while they’re there and a reasonable amount of notice when they decide to leave. On the employer’s side, managers should make meaningful efforts to retain strong employees but expect that people will move on eventually no matter what they do—and should be prepared to respond to that with congratulations, not pouting and fits of rage.
