Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group.
Dear Care and Feeding,
I’m 15 and live with my parents. They used to fight a lot—like, a lot a lot—and Dad moved out for about four months last year. I thought it was heading toward divorce, and honestly, I was relieved about it. But apparently, they went to couples counseling, and I guess it went well, because Dad came back home and they’ve pretty much stopped arguing completely.
That is all well and good, but it’s led to a new problem. They’ve started having really loud sex all throughout the house. I don’t begrudge my parents a sex life. But more than once I’ve come home from school and could hear them as I was opening the front door. And they don’t stick to their bedroom to bone either. I’ve heard them going at it pretty much all throughout the house.
The silver lining is that they’re very loud when they do this, so I get plenty of warning and haven’t had the utter embarrassment of actually walking in on them, but it feels like I’m being driven out of my home. They never really listened to me about their fights, and I’m sure they won’t listen to me if I complain about this. What can I do here?
—Driven to Sexile
Dear Sexile,
I don’t know your parents, obviously, but when I think about my kids hearing me argue and hearing me have sex, those have very different alarm bells. So, don’t automatically assume they won’t listen to you here.
Leave them a note if a verbal conversation sounds too horrible. It can be short and to the point. “I can hear everything about how well you two are ‘getting along’ now. Keep it down—it’s mortifying. And my room is off-limits.” I’d also start developing a very regular habit of texting them when you’re on the way home. And if you do walk in and can hear them, holler a hello (it’s OK if your tone sounds a little grossed out), which will hopefully quell the activity in the moment—and make them think twice about the timing of their next coupling.
I’m very happy for them that they seem to be having such success repairing their relationship, but you deserve to be comfortable in your own home. If none of this works, face-to-face conversation is your best next step. But I believe that you can do it.
—Allison
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