How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Dear How to Do It,
I am a 25-year-old cis, gay dude with a very low-stakes question. I’ve had tops in the past ask if I can feel it when they cum inside me. It seems like this is a big turn-on for them—I’m totally here for it! The problem is I don’t know if I have. Sometimes, I think I can feel a spreading warmth after they shoot (cum spreading in my butt?) or maybe their penis pulsing during their orgasm if I’m really focusing on it (and it’s a big one), but it’s subtle. Is this something most people feel? To be clear, I am very turned on by them being turned on by this, so I’m happy to engage in some light bending of the truth (I mean, I can maybe feel it… sometimes?). For what it’s worth, I’m on PrEP, and by fluid sharing, I recognize that I am taking certain risks when it comes to STIs. That said, I guess my question is twofold:
1. Do other people distinctly feel it when someone cums in their butt? If yes, what should I be looking out for?
2. Is it unethical to say I do when I don’t actually know, for the sake of turning both me and my partner on? My thinking is that no one is being hurt here, both parties are consenting, and it elevates the moment. But I feel conflicted about potentially fibbing to my partner during sex.
—Cum Inside
Dear Cum Inside,
I appreciate your fluid-sharing caveats, but I’d be a huge hypocrite to judge you on those. Condomless sex is simply the status quo for a lot of queer guys (and was even before PrEP)—when I think about hooking up pre-PrEP and post, it sometimes amazes me how much things have shifted. What used to be a conversation often isn’t seemingly given a thought anymore. I’m not complaining, I just say this to note that you’re part of a larger culture that is teeming with guys doing the exact same thing.
And on that note, cum spraying inside of me is not something I’ve ever felt. Most people in the comments of these Reddit threads concur. I emailed Dr. Evan Goldstein, surgeon (who often performs anal surgery) and the CEO of Bespoke Surgical who often posts information about anal on social media, as to whether it was even possible for your butt to tell you, “Here come the warm jets.” The answer? Not really, according to Goldstein:
The true sensations of “cum spreading in the butt” are more from vigorous changes in motion, like right when the top is climaxing and actually ejaculating, and, of course, verbally letting you know he’s about to bust inside you. That’s because, at that very moment in time, there are more contractions and most likely more thrusting taking place. The rectal-to-anal walls only sense pressure, although they do have some capacity to sense changes in temperature, so, many people may not be able to truly feel “it.”
I believe that complicating the temperature factor here is that your butt is already warm (it’s not a site of traditional temperature taking for nothing). Every body is different and I don’t want to erase anyone’s experience here, but it seems like the likelihood of actually feeling ejaculation internally is fairly low. I mean, you’re an expert of your own hole and even you can’t really say.
Is it ethical to lie about this? I think it’s a moral imperative to avoid spreading disinformation whenever possible. This, like you say, is low stakes, but I hate the idea of you misleading a guy who only tops who then might wonder what’s wrong with the next bottom who’s honest and doesn’t play along. But then again, you can feel it when a guy comes, because you have more than just your butt with which to sense the world. I’d be honest about how the semen feels in your actual hole, but to say that you can feel someone coming in you more generally is not necessarily bending the truth. Here’s how Goldstein put it:
But we all know when someone’s gonna let loose and that helps get you into a mental state that’s ready and bracing to be flooded (as they so poetically say). That, in and of itself, can make you say, “I feel you cumming inside me!” And, for some, that’s such a turn on that it can lead to better sex in general.
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Dear How to Do It,
I’ve always been really jealous of those kinds of friend groups you hear/read about that seem to be very open about their sex lives and sometimes sleep with each other without it being a whole huge deal. I (38M bi) feel like I have a good group of old friends from high school and college who are all great people and will be in my life forever. But they’re not the people I want to be making out with at the club, you know? How do people find these sexually free friend groups in the first place? Does it just happen for some people at an easier rate? I mostly stick to my pre-established groups, but maybe I should be branching out. But the question is where? And how do I suss out the sexual side of things?
—Free Love
Dear Free Love,
Probably the most obvious way to foster and maintain such friendships is if sex is already baked into the socializing via sex parties or some kind of fetish/lifestyle scene. In more sexually free pockets, like say, among urban queer men who frequent hook-up apps, setting up threeways/group sex can connect buddies and flesh out the sexual network. There are guys who are super chill about sharing sex partners, which means introducing friends could create a similar sexual network and could give any bar hang among such friends the potential to end up in bed. If you already have friends with benefits, you could introduce them to each other to help facilitate a group. Or just check out your local sex scene and become a regular.
I think it’s important to keep in mind that this kind of friend group is able to maintain this kind of freeness “without it being a whole huge deal” until it is a whole huge deal. Sex doesn’t have to complicate things and lead to drama, but it certainly can. It’s great until it isn’t. Maintaining boundaries and having friends that are entirely platonic is important—they can give you advice without it all being colored by sex. It seems to me that you’re already doing it right and are having a bit of a grass-is-always-greener moment.
Dear How to Do It,
I am male and 74; my partner is female and 79. We’ve been together for 30 years. My partner used to have orgasms reliably (via oral stimulation). In the last year or so, she has been unable to climax, with me, or alone. I gifted her Wirecutter’s favorite vibrator, but it’s much too intense, even on the lowest setting. I’ve asked her about speaking to her gynecologist, but she’s been too shy to do that.
I still love the sex we have together, but this problem is casting a shadow over our entire sex life—me as much as her. I know her well, and I’m almost certain she won’t proactively address this issue. If anything is going to change, I will need to be the catalyst. I would appreciate any ideas you may have
—Older But Still Hopeful
Dear Older But Still Hopeful,
It seems pretty clear that your wife has been open about this, since you know that she hasn’t orgasmed alone, but I wonder if you’ve talked to her about how she feels about it. If this isn’t a priority to her, you shouldn’t impose yourself and make it one. People can enjoy sex without orgasm—sometimes they write into this column—so I’m saying all this so that you can be sure that you’re attempting to solve this problem for her, and not to satisfy your ego.
That said, you could try other vibrators. According to the e-commerce site Vibed, Tenga’s iroha Rin Akane clitoral vibrator is “designed for lighter stimulation rather than intensity.” You might also try one that provides low frequency vibrations, like the Mimi Soft, or an air suction toy that will produce different sensations than a conventional vibrator.
Any kind of bodily changes like the one your wife is experiencing could be indications of other issues, which is why it’s important to bring them to a doctor’s attention. You could remind your wife of that—maybe if she’s not motivated to seek help just for the sake of her orgasms alone, she will be if/when she realizes that this could be a sign of a greater health issue. When someone is concerned for their partner who is doctor-averse or otherwise too shy to tell a doctor what’s going on with them, I recommend visiting the doctor with that partner to say what she can’t or couples therapy, which would allow you to introduce this issue and potentially work through things together. See if she’s up for any of those workarounds.
—Rich
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