Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
I never knew my biological father. He walked on my mom when she was pregnant with me. I only have a few photos of him with me. My stepfather adopted me when I was 4. To me, he is just Dad. My sister is six years older than me and resisted every attempt of my dad to get close to her. It got worse when my parents got a divorce when I was 14. My sister was in college and refused to visit or talk to my dad. She told him that it was pointless to try and keep a personal relationship with her; she didn’t want it. That really hurt him, but he respected her wishes.
My sister is nearly 30 now and still acts like a child when it comes to the subject of my dad. She doesn’t like me mentioning him and will literally make up stories about our biological father (he was a “war hero”—when, in reality, the army kicked him out) and fight with me when I fact-check. Over Christmas, we had a huge falling-out. I live in a very expensive area. Rent is outrageous so my dad offered to give me a down payment for a house. I didn’t bring up the subject directly to her, but I did discuss it with other people. When she found out, she threw a fit: I was the favorite, he never gave her a chance, and it was completely unfair.
I told her she needed to get her head checked. Why in the hell did she think she was entitled to money from a man that she has done nothing but push away and punish? He isn’t her dad. He is mine. She needs to get a grip. We are no longer speaking and it is freaking out our mom. What are the next steps here? I love my sister but I am tired of tip-toeing around her.
—Different Dad
Dear Different,
Doing the math, your sister lost her father when she was 6, got a stepdad around the time she was 10, and lost that stepdad when she was 20. You say your dad adopted you when you were 4; did he adopt, or attempt/offer to adopt your sister at that same time? It doesn’t sound like it from your phrasing. So, she was old enough to have memories of her dad, and thus a lot of trauma related to his abandonment, then confusion and maybe anger at your dad’s appearance. That is a lot to unpack at so young an age. Then, to top it off, he cemented his relationship to you and not her. Even if he also adopted her, it’s clear that the relationships were different, which had to have hurt, even if her own actions were the cause.
I point all of this out because I think, when you think about the timeline from her perspective, it’s understandable why she would have a lot of resentment toward your dad, and probably a mix of unresolved feelings of love and abandonment from her own dad. It may not even be about the men themselves; it might just come down to the fact that you had a dad who picked you, and she had a dad who left. None of that means you aren’t allowed to love and have a relationship with your dad, and it doesn’t give her the right to be angry at you for his generosity. But I do think she deserves to have her feelings validated by you.
Your next steps should be some family counseling between you and your sister, where you can be completely vulnerable and honest with each other. There is so much to unpack about the dads and your relationship that I really think a professional would be helpful in navigating and keeping things constructive. I think your goal should be to get to a place where she can say (and believe) whatever she wants about her dad without you having to rain on her parade, and you can likewise enjoy your relationship with your dad without her getting angry about it. It might be that you just agree not to discuss the men with each other; while that’s unfortunate, it’s a viable path forward. I am so glad you were able to find and maintain this positive fatherly relationship for yourself, but your sister is hurting—and it’s not about the house. Focus on what’s behind it so you can both heal.
Want Advice on Parenting, Kids, or Family Life?
Submit your questions to Care and Feeding here. It’s anonymous! (Questions may be edited for publication.)
Dear Care and Feeding,
I am the 37-year-old daughter of a very cheerful mother who will not stop sending her inspirational mother-daughter Facebook memes. Multiple times a week, she’ll text images of sunsets with messages like, “A daughter is a beautiful gift” with a “beautiful soul” and “amazing spirit.” I try to be mature about it, but sometimes it gets to me. Every message feels like a reminder that I am not the kind of perfectly contented, selflessly loving ideal of a daughter it describes. Sometimes I wish she understood me and my feelings instead of emptying a truckload of affirmations over my head. She did once admit that sending the memes is more “for her” than for me, and in more contentious conversations has accused me of being “too negative.” Do I just learn to accept this as her love language, or is there any way to get her to understand?
—Loved Too Much
Dear Too Much,
The messages aren’t hurting you, they annoy you. I get it! But if you tell her you hate them, you may cause hurt, and I don’t think that’s what you want to do. Just be transparent yet kind—let your mom know you appreciate the sentiment behind the memes, you promise to read them, but that you probably won’t be replying to most of them because it’s not really your thing. For bonus credit, tell her what kinds of messages you do find enjoyable and affirming. She might still keep sending you her virtual valentines, but maybe she’ll throw in a snarky Golden Girls meme for you once in a while. Besides that, mute your notifications and take deep breaths. This might not be the perfect mother-daughter relationship in your eyes, but it’s far better than many alternatives, and sometimes just remembering that can help.
Catch Up on Care and Feeding
· Missed earlier columns this week? Read them here.
· Discuss this column in the Slate Parenting Facebook group!
Dear Care and Feeding,
Quick one for you: Is it OK that I only pay attention to my kid’s basketball game when he is on the court? I play on my phone when he is sitting on the bench. Is that OK?
—Not a Fan of 7-Year-Old Basketball
Dear Not a Fan,
To each their own, but I’d say it’s OK sometimes. Peewee sports aren’t the most scintillating, but I think it’s nice for the kids to see all the parents rooting as a team for the team. Sometimes I will listen to a podcast in one ear so I can still keep my eyes on the game, but I don’t do it all the time. The other thing I keep in mind is how much work it is to be a coach; I’m grateful for their effort, and I want to show up for them, too. So, go ahead and do the Wordle or listen to a chapter, but don’t automatically check out every time your kid is off-court.
Dear Care and Feeding,
I am struggling to find joy in parenting. I (she/her) am a stay-at-home mom of a toddler and a 4-year-old who is in preschool part-time. My husband’s work schedule is unpredictable and can change last minute. In addition to his primary income, he is self-employed in an artistic field that I was also working in, prior to having kids. My older child is deeply feeling, observant, anxious, and has a speech delay. My younger child is extremely physical and always wants to be climbing things and running around.
Every day is a struggle, and I feel like I’m constantly raising my voice. From my youngest trying to climb a shelf or slamming a lamp against the wall, to my oldest insisting on reading multiple books on the toilet when we are trying to leave the house, I feel like I’m always yelling at one kid to stop doing something or reminding another kid to move through the steps of the day so we can get ready or do XYZ. When we finally do leave the house, one child is trying to eat dirty sand and the other needs help on the top of the playground at the same time.
I have so little patience and so little time to recharge that I feel like I’m being a bad parent, and I honestly just don’t want our life to feel so stressful and filled with yelling “no” at people. I’m always frazzled and rarely feel calm or content. I’m just so exhausted. How do I find the joy in this time and allow my kids to be kids while still getting essential things done?
—Searching for Joy in Chaos
Dear Chaos,
It’s really important to remember that this is one phase in your life, and, barring any tragedies, things will never be harder than they are right now. Two kids under 5 is no joke, and it is totally normal to feel like a disconnected, nagging, frayed version of yourself.
I used to be more of a yeller than I am now. I’m still sometimes a little sanctimonious with my oldest kid—which can be a quieter version of yelling, sometimes—and I’m working on that. A lot of my growth came from recognizing my triggers and learning how to intercept my reactions to them. Two books really helped me. The first is one I recommend here a lot: How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk. From that book, I learned strategies for naming the feelings and behaviors I see in my kids and reflecting those back to them. Amazingly, when my kid is verging on a tantrum, the time it takes to say, “I know you’re upset that I turned the TV off; you’re disappointed because you wanted more Bluey” is just enough for me to calm down, gain a little perspective, and address the situation more constructively. The second book, ScreamFree Parenting, talks about how to prioritize yourself and get your needs met in parenting so that you can show up in a better way for your kids. Each chapter includes questions to help you articulate new approaches you want to take in your parenting.
As you dive into these resources, you and your husband also need to have some conversations about what you need in order to show up as the mom you want to be. This could involve some hard choices about work, care help, division of labor between you both, etc. Remember that you are partners and a parenting unit; it’s not only on you to solve this.
—Allison
More Advice From Slate
My husband and I have a 3-year-old son. My husband has never been a patient man, and our son has hit an admittedly very frustrating phase of stubbornness and attitude (he is very much a “threenager”). I’m not perfect, and do sometimes run out of patience myself, so I understand my husband doing so as well. My frustration, though, is how my husband responds.
