Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My 7-year-old is begging to do a skincare and hair care routine but unfortunately for her, her skin and hair are both gorgeous, healthy, and extremely low-maintenance. But I see that for her, she craves that kind of ritual and sensory experience, the “self-care” part. I’m thinking about giving her some kind of scented water in a spray bottle or a “moisturizer” that’s so incredibly light it hardly does anything at all. I just don’t want her to lose that perfect equilibrium she has.
—Too Soon for Serums!
Dear Too Soon,
I’m a little confused—doesn’t your daughter already wash her face and hair? Don’t spray scented water on her face; it could get in her eyes or make her break out. If you think a TikTok-y “skincare routine” is what she’s after, she can use a gentle, non-drying cleanser (I like Glossier’s Milky Jelly Cleanser) followed by toner and moisturizer. If she wants, she can add a lightweight daily sunscreen (or you can look for a moisturizer with SPF). You should talk to a stylist to get specific shampoo/conditioning recs for her hair type. Let her pick out a body wash in a scent she likes. Think of other ways she could occasionally get that sense of ritual and indulgence as a treat: a mani or pedi, a facial, etc. You can also get some face or hair masks for her to try once in a while. If anything causes a problem, obviously avoid it in the future—and I would of course put off serums and all that for some years—but I really don’t think you need to worry that a mild facial cleanser, good moisturizer, or the occasional mask for fun is going to mess up her “equilibrium.”
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Dear Care and Feeding,
About seven years ago, I found out that my dad had a kid that was given up for adoption at birth before he met my mom. No one in my family knew. My “brother” is a priest, and I grew up in a very religious (Protestant) household, but have largely separated myself from organized religion (I’m not straight, and I felt very judged by the people in the church community). “Brother” and I emailed once when I found out about him about the election of Trump (he’s not a fan), but have hardly spoken since. We follow each other on social media (he followed me first). He seems fairly progressive (for a priest), but he’s pro-life and not exactly LGBTQ-friendly. One part of me is desperate to get to know him, but I’m cautious for many reasons: What if he rejects me? What if he’s so conservative that I can’t realistically have a relationship with him? I’m close with my dad, and this newly revealed secret has taken a bit of a toll on the family. Is it better to pretend this didn’t happen? I’m at a loss.
—Surprise Sister
Dear Surprise Sister,
You definitely don’t have to build or maintain a relationship with your brother, but it sounds like your family has already tried the “pretend this didn’t happen” route, and it didn’t hold—one way or another, you’ll all have decisions to make as you deal with the fallout and associated feelings. The toll your father’s secret took—and is still taking—on your family is not your fault or your burden to fix. When it comes to your surprise brother, you should decide how to proceed based on what you want and think is right for you, not what you think your father or anyone else wants. They have and still get to make their own choices where your brother is concerned; you are an adult and you get to make yours.
I don’t necessarily see a conflict between your caution and your urge to know more about your brother; both make a lot of sense to me. I would try not to worry about what happens if he “rejects” you—for one thing, you aren’t close to him now, so there’s little for you to lose; for another, if he wanted to shun you, he wouldn’t have followed you on social media. If you decide that you want to get to know him, think about what you want your communication to look like: emails and texts? The occasional phone or video call? Don’t discuss the possibility of meeting in person until you feel ready; if you never do, that’s okay. Be as open as you feel you can be with him about where you are with all of this (you’re curious, but a bit anxious, too). Ask him what he wants; how he feels—for all you know, he might not want to talk more than you already have.
Try not to go in with too many expectations that might be disappointed, especially given what you know of your political and religious differences. If you proceed with talking more often and anything gives you a bad feeling, try to acknowledge and heed that instinct. If you never get an especially bad vibe but decide that you still don’t want to be in touch with your brother, fine: You don’t owe him a relationship, any more than you owe your father silence or secrecy.
In my family, I’m the surprise adoptee who came out of the woodwork years later, and I fully expected my siblings to have reservations about forming a relationship with me. They were honest with me about their shock and what they wanted; I was honest with them about my own feelings and my deep uncertainty. I hope you and your brother can both give each other grace and respect the other’s boundaries, whatever they are. And if you ultimately decide that you don’t want to be in closer touch with him, that the risk of possible disappointment just isn’t worth it to you, that’s a totally valid decision. Whatever you choose, I wish you peace.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
I am a gay POC married to a white male. We are both in our 40s. My sister in-law has never been particularly—at all—welcoming. What’s more, she is a supporter of Donald Trump. She sees no contradiction in having a gay brother married to a black man and supporting Trump. She expects me to be grateful for her “acceptance” and accept her positions on Black Lives Matters, abortion rights, trans rights, etc. as the cost of maintaining a relationship. The problem is her positions are odious, and I don’t generally allow that level of toxicity in my life anymore. I don’t interfere with the sibling relationship, but she expects my husband and me to spend a week with her, her second husband, and their combined six kids in our beach home. I’m torn about joining this family get-together. Am I wrong if I stick with my instincts to avoid this family fun time?
—Family Fun Time
Dear Family Fun Time,
One thing about me is that I’m never going to tell someone that they’re obliged to go on a family vacation they’ve been dreading. I wouldn’t want to spend my precious time off/at the beach with your sister-in-law, either. You don’t owe her your time or use of your beach house—not to mention “acceptance” of her views. It’s fine if your husband wants to let her and her family use it and/or go along with them, but you definitely don’t have to. Stay home—or go do something that’s actually fun!—and feel no guilt.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My 17-month-old has become an extremely fussy eater overnight. Even simple foods he previously loved (potatoes, quesadillas, PBJ) are a big no. The only things he eats are oatmeal, rice, scrambled eggs, plain Greek yogurt (only in a pouch, he won’t touch it with a spoon), pasta, bread, bananas, mandarin oranges, and veggie and fruit pouches (I make them myself, so I at least know there’s a good amount of veg in them). He will also tear up Ritz crackers and goldfish, but a boy cannot live on carbs alone! He doesn’t even like berries! What toddler won’t eat his weight in berries?
We did baby-led weaning, so he has tried a variety of foods and textures from six months on, and at the moment I’m still serving him the same meals we all eat, just with a side of something he will eat (we’re eating so much rice these days). Yesterday his dad made him a quesadilla and he wouldn’t even touch it; he ate a banana and a mandarin orange for dinner. We are trying to be emotionally calm around his eating, offer him choices, and sneak in vegetables where we can. I refuse to be a short-order cook, but I do offer him fruit with his meal if he really won’t touch anything else. What else should we be doing? Is this normal?
—I’m Getting Fussy Too
Dear Fussy Too,
With the caveat that you should talk about all this and any other concerns with your child’s doctor, what you’re describing does sound fairly normal—many kids even older than yours are picky eaters.
You said that this came on suddenly; was there anything that seemed to precipitate it? A bad food experience or reaction; maybe some sort of stomach bug? Has he been evaluated for ARFID and/or some sort of new sensory issue that’s led to some food aversion? Any questions or red flags in terms of his development or behavior in any other area?
I understand that this is frustrating and perhaps a bit worrying, but it really doesn’t sound like he’s in any danger of being malnourished given all the things he happily eats now. If he’s healthy and not falling off the growth curve and your doctor isn’t concerned, I think you can just keep doing what you’re doing for now—trying to keep him fed, while slowly expanding the menu and his palate—and continue to watch for any changes or developments, staying in touch with your pediatrician about it.
—Nicole
More Advice From Slate
My son, almost 3, goes to a day care, and has always been happy to attend—he’s never even cried when I leave him there. The problem is there is one girl in his class who keeps biting him! It has happened three to four times in the last three months. I’ve been keeping quiet because I understand this girl has issues (she is slightly developmentally challenged) and that toddlers, in general, bite and stuff. But seeing my son behave like he did today worried me. Should I be speaking up for him with the day care manager, asking them to keep that child away from her, if possible?
