How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Dear How to Do It,
How do I live in a sexless relationship? My man would rather jerk off several times a day than have sex with me. I want sex, and I love and desire him. If we have sex once a month, it’s a miracle, and he only does it to shut me up or because he needs 10 seconds of human touch that porn and masturbating can’t give him. Then it’s back to acting as though I don’t exist.
I’ve tried talking about how it hurts me and it hurts us. I’ve even tried writing him letters. He doesn’t care how it affects me or our relationship. He won’t even try to stop, and he can’t see that it’s a problem. I can understand doing it once a week, but he does it several times a day. I am very sexual and I have done anything he has ever wanted or desired without question. Yet he would rather fantasize about other people and self-pleasure over being with me. He does it while I’m in bed next to him. He even goes to another room while I’m right there, wanting and available. There is nothing wrong with his equipment, by the way—it works just fine.
I’m tired of living like this. I want intimacy with the person I love. Instead, I feel like we are just roommates.
—Wanting and Rejected
Dear Wanting and Rejected,
What jumped out to me in your letter was this sentence: “He doesn’t care how it affects me or our relationship.” That makes me wonder how he treats you in nonsexual contexts. But even if he’s caring and compassionate except for the times that he’s stroking his dick with abandon, where do you go from there? You can’t force him to care—he either does or he doesn’t, and from your letter, it’s clear he doesn’t. It’s one thing to have a habit that infringes on one’s relationship, and it’s another thing to flaunt it. He knows how you feel, yet he’s doing this when you’re in bed next to him—that’s sadistic, or at least something close to it. Perhaps his objective is to push you away, and so he’s being as flagrant and cruel as possible.
Your options include: Opening the relationship so that you can pursue the sex you desire, seeking counseling to see if a disinterested third party could talk some sense into him, or ending things now and moving on. All three would be logical next steps, but if you’re at the end of your rope, you first have to ask yourself why you’re still holding on.
Dear How to Do It,
My wife and I have been together for over 35 years. Both are each other’s only partner. About 10 years ago, she began experiencing issues from her hysterectomy that made sex less desirable and less comfortable. She’s since become very withdrawn when it comes to intercourse. She’s very traditional and has never been a person that wants to try oral sex. On occasion, I have talked her into letting me perform oral on her, and she’s orgasmed every time. I have not pushed her to do that with me as I know she’s uncomfortable with it, but now that intercourse is far from consistent, I’d like to try other things.
I want her to try it on me, and because it would make me happy, but I truly respect her. I’ve tried to get her to watch soft porn to see if that might get her more open to trying other things, but she’s not into watching any kind of pornography. I still think she’s hot and sexy. I still want it pretty much daily but would settle for less. I want to stay faithful but to be honest, I’m tempted. I really want to experience oral sex (before I die!) along with possibly other sexual intimacies, and I’m not ready to forgo sex and just accept the occasional help-yourself sessions.
—Temptation
Dear Temptation,
All of this is understandable. And I mean all of it—it’s understandable that your wife is wary of sex given the hysterectomy complications. Hysterectomies can sometimes result in sexual dysfunction, and, of course, menopause can affect libido as well. Certainly, if your wife doesn’t have the drive to do things that she used to enjoy, she’s not going to want to venture into less comfortable territory. Her desires (which is to say, lack thereof) are to be respected—not pushing for oral sex is the right move. I would lay off on trying to talk her into anything for that matter, no matter how much she appears to enjoy it when it eventually happens.
But it is also extremely understandable that you should want to receive oral sex before you die. Getting head is part of what makes life great. I wonder if you’ve ever asked your wife about it using those terms. What does she think? Does she believe that you should never experience this thing that so many enjoy, or will she kind of see your point? Opening up your relationship would be the most ethical and humane course of action here. It would allow you to experience things that you’re curious about, and take the pressure off her. This may be a tall order for a traditional person like your wife, and her nature probably nixes the possibility of something like finding a sex worker (in a place where it’s legal) to help you achieve your dream of oral, but these things could at least provide fodder for conversation. I don’t recommend cheating, but your temptation is hardly surprising or ridiculous. You’re locked into an unsatisfying situation at the moment. Something has to give: Your hope for an enriched sex life or your current arrangement.
If your wife is unwilling to open up your relationship or otherwise allow you to pursue the sex that you crave, which are you willing to give up? A fundamental mismatch does not necessarily mean the death of a relationship, but it could mean the death of a life that you want for yourself.
Something that might make these conversations easier is sex therapy or relationship counseling. You can see if your wife is up for it.
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Dear How to Do It,
My boyfriend of three years has recently had an outbreak of herpes. When we were first getting intimate, I asked him about his history and any STIs he may have been exposed to. He assured me all was well, and I did not ask for an exam as proof.
Now I feel lied to, and in some ways, used. I plan to get tested as well. He has apologized and blamed his ex from his first marriage at age 20. He claims she was very promiscuous, and gave him genital warts but he was sure he was clean and cured and not harboring any germs or viruses. I’m having a hard time being physically close to him and have refused to even kiss right now. He is getting treated.
But what does this mean for future intimacy? He is 57. I think he had to have known. He also wants to continue our relationship either as good friends or as we are now. I do care about him. But now I wonder what else might be hiding from his past. My first husband was a liar and promiscuous, so this feels even more awful. Trust and lying are huge deals to me. What should I do?
—Doubting the Truth
Dear Doubting the Truth,
You have to decide whether or not this guy is worth the benefit of the doubt. Sometimes herpes takes a long, long time to show itself—either because people miss the first outbreak, or because the first outbreak comes years after it was first contracted. For some, there is only one outbreak, and others never have one at all. Herpes is more likely to be spread during an outbreak, and the CDC does not recommend testing asymptomatic people in most cases because “the limits of a herpes blood test and the possibility of a wrong test result.” (“The chances of wrong test results are higher for people who are at low risk of infection,” the CDC’s website notes.) In other words, if this is something that he experienced years ago and he hasn’t seen any sign of it since, you could see how he might neglect to note this, even if it wasn’t a strictly truthful way to answer your question. Alternately, there is, of course, the possibility that he contracted it since getting together with you—either from someone else, or even you if you have been asymptomatic.
In your letter, you jump from herpes to genital warts. While it is certainly true that someone can have both, I just want to be clear that herpes does not cause genital warts. According to the CDC, HPV, which causes genital warts, sometimes goes away on its own, so perhaps he didn’t feel his past was relevant to disclose, either. (Though because there is no approved HPV test for men, outside of pap smears for guys who bottom, he would have been guessing regarding his HPV status by assuming it no longer was affecting him.)
Or he could just be lying. Sometimes people lie about this stuff because they’re manipulators, and sometimes people lie about this stuff because the stigma and shame are hard to bear and they don’t feel they should have to pay a price for decisions that a lot of people make and aren’t ultimately punished for. Everyone has a past. I think the best thing to do as a loving partner is to forgive and understand, but that task is impossible for some. If you value strict honesty to the point that you’re finding it hard to be intimate in its absence, that’s a good indication that this relationship is not for you.
He can take the antiviral valaciclovir to reduce his chances of transmitting herpes to you, but it’s not 100 percent effective. Few things are more important in a relationship than trust—that’s not something you can gain back via a pill. I think a conversation spelling this stuff out—along with a final call for him to reveal whatever other skeletons in his closet may inadvertently rear their heads—could be productive, but if you need to walk now, it’s totally understandable.
—Rich
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