Few people are as knee-deep in our work-related anxieties and sticky office politics as Alison Green, who has been fielding workplace questions for a decade now on her website Ask a Manager. In this week’s Direct Report, she answers readers’ questions about holidays at work.
Dear Direct Report,
Every year, except during a break for the pandemic, my company does a really nice holiday dinner for employees, with plus-ones. In the past, we’ve usually gone to fancy places with lots of options, and everyone has enjoyed themselves. This year, the dinner is going to be at a steakhouse. I’m vegetarian, for both health and ethical reasons. I figured, no problem—steakhouses usually have really good sides I can eat. So, I got online and looked at their menu … they do not. It’s all meat. Even the sides have meat in them.
I would just skip it, except that my boss is really big on everyone showing up to work events like this. It’s not officially mandatory, but I’ve seen him give a hard time to people who didn’t attend in the past. And hey, if it were a party where I could briefly circulate and then leave, I would. But this is a sit-down dinner that will last for several hours, and everyone else will be eating. I guess I’ll just … sit there? Can I get out of this?
—Left Out
Dear Left Out,
It’s amazing that in the year of our Lord 2023, companies are still arranging work meals without bothering to ensure that employees with dietary restrictions will be able to eat. Dietary restrictions aren’t a new or rare thing! And you’re probably not the only one who’s less than thrilled with the menu; if your company has more than a handful of employees, chances are high that you have co-workers who are also vegetarian or who keep kosher or halal or don’t eat red meat for health reasons. It’s a particularly bizarre choice because workplace holiday meals are meant to be morale boosters—carelessly excluding people accomplishes the opposite of that.
As for what to do, any chance you could call the restaurant ahead of time and ask if they can arrange to serve you something vegetarian? Some restaurants are willing to do that. If they tell you no, see if the event organizer will request it, since they might get more traction.
But otherwise, it’s not reasonable for your boss to expect you to sit at a table for several hours while everyone around you eats and you’re confined to the drinks menu. You’d be on solid ground saying to your boss, “I checked with the restaurant to see if they can serve anything vegetarian, but they can’t, and they confirmed there will be literally nothing on the menu I can eat. So, unfortunately I’ve got to sit it out, but I hope everyone has a great time.”
Also, while it’s probably too late to get the plans changed for this year, you should talk to whoever organizes these about ensuring that future events take a variety of dietary needs into account.
Dear Direct Report,
Some of my co-workers have suggested doing a Secret Santa for anyone who wants to participate. One person loudly proclaimed that they will not be able to buy anything for their assigned person but would love to receive presents anyway—what?! This person keeps bringing up Secret Santa as though it is definitely happening and is making things even weirder. I was interested in taking part, but I would feel bitter if I got assigned this person and bought them gifts while they bought me nothing, especially since I’m not rolling in cash. Should I just refuse to take part or say something?
—That’s Not How This Works
Dear That’s Not How This Works,
Indeed, that is not how this works.
Ideally, this would be solved by whoever coordinates the Secret Santa making the rules of participation clear: If you sign up, you must buy your assigned partner gifts! (Ideally they’d also give a general expected dollar range so that one person isn’t buying their partner a cashmere throw and then receiving a $5 mug in return.)
At a minimum, since your co-worker has already gone on record as saying that’s not how they intend to play, whoever coordinates the exchange should address that with them directly: “You do need to buy your partner gifts if you sign up. Please don’t sign up if you can’t commit to doing that.”
If both those things aren’t already happening, it’s reasonable for you to ask that they do before you sign up.
Dear Direct Report,
My manager sent an email to our department asking for volunteers to sing holiday carols at some of our clients’ homes. I didn’t volunteer, mostly because I’m Jewish (which she knows). Now she’s frustrated that only one person has signed up, and she’s pressuring people to participate and leaning on people to be “team players.” To me, being a team player would be pitching in when we have a tight deadline, not giving up a free evening to sing Christmas songs when I don’t celebrate Christmas. How do I stick to my “no” when she’s framing this as a referendum on my team engagement level?
—Not Caroling
Dear Not Caroling,
Pressuring employees to participate in a religious activity is wildly out of line. I suspect that your boss is thinking of Christmas caroling as being almost secular—since you’re not engaging in active worship—but it’s not. It’s really, really not.
Anyone on your team should be able to opt out of religiously tinged activities without pressure, regardless of their religious faith or lack thereof, but it’s particularly objectionable for your boss to pressure someone who she knows has a different faith tradition.
Say this to your manager: “I’m happy to be a team player in nonreligious ways, but I’m not able to join in on a religious activity. It’s not an option for me.” If she continues pushing, or if she seems to be penalizing you (even subtly) for not participating, this warrants talking to HR, who—given the legal liability for the company—will almost certainly set her straight.
Dear Direct Report,
I work for a small company (10 full-time employees) and I consider myself well paid. Every year, I make a point to bake some sweet holiday treats for everyone in the company.
And every year, the partners who run the business give me holiday gifts that are so generous that I’m embarrassed by the discrepancy—think several hundred dollars’ worth vs. a few tins of holiday cookies from me. Should I be giving the business partners more? I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable.
—Feeling Awkward
Dear Feeling Awkward,
This is how it’s supposed to work! The etiquette rule is that gifts at work should flow downward (from your bosses to you), never upward (from you to your bosses). Employees should never feel pressured to give gifts to the people who control their paychecks.
Managers aren’t required to give gifts to their employees, but it’s a lovely, gracious gesture when they choose to. Their doing so doesn’t incur any obligation on your side to match that, let alone match their level of spending. In fact, it would be unseemly for them to accept any significant gift from you because of the power dynamics in play. Instead, something small, like homemade baked goods, is perfect. Keep doing what you’re doing!
Dear Direct Report,
I have worked at a few companies that did group gift exchanges around the holidays. At both companies, upward of 90 percent of the gifts were bottles of wine. I’ve also had a manager give a bottle of wine to each employee as a holiday gift.
I don’t drink alcohol, so when I end up with wine as a gift, I usually give it to a friend or regift it, but I always feel a little awkward when I receive it. Is alcohol appropriate for a gift exchange when you don’t know if the recipient drinks? Is it typical for work gift exchanges to be nearly 100 percent alcoholic gifts, or am I just unlucky? Most of my co-workers know I don’t drink, but not all of them do.
—I’m Not the Only Teetotaler
Dear Teetotaler,
Alcohol is a really popular workplace gift—although it’s unusual to have so many gift exchanges be nearly 100 percent alcohol! It’s a tricky gift for exactly the reason you name: Tons of people don’t drink, whether for religious or health reasons, or because they’re in recovery, or because they just prefer not to.
While there’s no single gift that will please everyone, there are a few big categories that are off-limits to enough people that workplaces should be more thoughtful about them. These include alcohol and meat (like workplaces that give out holiday turkeys or hams without considering their vegetarian, Jewish, and Muslim employees).
How you should handle it depends on whether it’s a one-on-one gift exchange with co-workers or a corporate gift, where the company gives everyone the same item. With the former, I’m more inclined to cut your colleagues some slack, especially if you’re not particularly close and they don’t realize or remember that you don’t drink—it can be hard to find work-appropriate gifts, and a lot of people see alcohol as an easy go-to. But if the company is giving everyone alcohol, it’s worth pointing out that not everyone drinks and suggesting that more variety would be appreciated.
Dear Direct Report,
My manager, “Rose,” is wonderful. She teaches me how to improve when I mess up, she’s kind and understanding when I need help, and so much more. Before now, every other manager I’d ever had was terrible.
I am so thankful to Rose for all she’s done to help and support me, and I want to express that to her in a way that will be meaningful. I know you’ve said the rule is that gifts shouldn’t flow upward, and I’m not sure some store-bought trinket would really convey my appreciation anyway. However, I do very much want to express my gratitude. What can I do to communicate to Rose how impactful she has been for me?
—Grateful
Dear Grateful,
Write her a note about how much you appreciate her and why! Managing can be a thankless job, and hearing sincere appreciation for someone—especially with specifics about what you appreciate—can be incredibly meaningful and is more likely to resonate with her than anything you could buy. I’ve kept notes like that from past employees for years and still have most of them, whereas I don’t think I still have a single other workplace gift around.
Frankly, I’m convinced notes of genuine appreciation can be one of the best gifts to colleagues generally—you can see above how much angst the topic can otherwise cause—but it should always be your go-to for a good boss.
