How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Dear How to Do It,
I (38M) am in a 15-year, monogamous relationship with a lovely lady (41F), but I joke that I’m actually in a polycule. There’s a third wheel I end up having to share my partner with, which frankly exerts a lot of control over how we get to live—namely, her anxiety.
It just dictates so much of her life. Any attempt at nails, hair, makeup, or a little bit of fashion besides the same old t-shirts, jeans, or PJs is met with confusion and consternation. Anxiety grabbed hold of her life at a time when most girls were learning what worked for them and convinced her that any effort was instantly futile, to be met with attention that would inevitably lead to ridicule, humiliation, being cast out of society, stoning, etc. (Over 15 years, I have witnessed some truly creative catastrophizing.)
The trouble is, I really like that hot feminine stuff. It’s designed to attract men, right? That’s what it’s for! I think my partner is cute despite both of us being overweight, and can guarantee that if she put a little effort in, gave a sassy look over her shoulder, and teased me some, I probably wouldn’t be able to keep my hands off her. Living together for as long as we have has dulled the spark a little, and our schedules don’t always line up perfectly because I work an earlier shift than she does. But am I doomed to routine acts of perfunctory sex any time her anxiety convinces her our relationship is going bad and she goes into a depressive episode? I thought sex was supposed to be a fun, racy, exciting thing, not another task I have to perform to keep everything from spinning apart. I love my partner, but I really am not as excited by the person her anxiety forces her to be as I used to.
Ideally, I’d love to get this trio down to two, but without a serious commitment from her to therapy and possibly medication, the hopes aren’t great for now. In the meantime, how do I ask for things to be a little more special without her anxiety slipping into the conversation to tell her that I’m completely repulsed and about to leave her? Should I even try? Is this putting the cart before the horse?
—I Want Ice Cream, Anxiety Gave Me Oatmeal
Dear I Want Ice Cream,
Do you respect your partner? When you mention her anxiety about stoning, I wonder whether you’re talking about a woman who grew up in a culture where that’s a real risk. I also wonder whether you’re being glib as a coping mechanism. Regardless, you seem pretty frustrated—and being frustrated by a situation where you feel like you have to have sex that you aren’t interested in is valid.
I agree, based on what you’ve written here, that professional help is needed. If you can’t have a conversation about your desires without your partner becoming afraid that you’re about to leave her, I doubt you’ll be able to get the aesthetic efforts and flirtation you desire. But I do want to let you know that many women engage in these aesthetic practices for themselves or for the women they have platonic relationships with—that “hot feminine stuff” isn’t necessarily designed to attract men. And that kind of thinking could be part of what makes your partner so anxious about engaging in it.
Before you broach the subject of therapy for your partner, take stock of where your limit is. You say you love her, but you seem pretty fed up, and love isn’t always enough. Also, consider whether couples counseling might help you communicate better together—”We could use some help” is likely to feel better than “You need to go to therapy.” Once you’re talking about this—whether it’s with the help of a professional or not—choose one subject at a time. Trying to talk about everything all at once can be overwhelming for even the most calm among us. I’d start with the sex you don’t want to be having—the fact that you describe it as a task. This might look like, “Sometimes I feel pressured to have sex with you as a way of reassuring you that I’m still interested in the relationship, and I’d like to find other ways of giving you that reassurance.” Good luck.
—Jessica Stoya
More Advice From Slate
I’m a heterosexual woman in my 30s not in a long-term relationship. I’ve had three to four partners in the past year with some overlap. (I’m honest with everyone.) At my most recent Pap, I was told I was HPV-positive. I know this is exceedingly common, that there’s no test for men, and that current recommendations typically have women my age—even those with multiple partners—only being tested every five years.
