Pay Dirt is Slate’s money advice column. Have a question? Send it to Athena and Kristin here. (It’s anonymous!)
Dear Pay Dirt,
I love my husband but he comes from a very wealthy family, whereas I raised my kids on a modest salary as a single mom. I had to sign a prenup when we got married and even if he dies before me, I will not be inheriting millions. He has been very generous with my two adult children, taking them on expensive vacations and such.
This is why my daughter’s behavior is such a shock. She, her husband, and their two girls live in a very expensive area and rent. They refuse to consider relocating based on their political opinions. My daughter called me to complain yet again about her living situation and then proceeded to berate me for not convincing my husband to go ahead already and buy her a house. She was “sick” of how we were flaunting our lifestyle in her face and said I needed to do more as her mother. We haven’t really spoken since and the thought of having this conversation makes me physically ill. I worked two jobs to give my children the best start in life. They graduated with no college debt and I was able to help pay for both of their weddings (this was before I met my husband). I haven’t spoken to my husband about my daughter’s demands because I know it will sour their relationship. What do I do here?
—Unhappy House
Dear Unhappy House,
It seems like an age-old concern for parents: How do you give your kids more than you had but also raise them to learn the value of hard work and financial independence? We don’t want to give our kids too little, but it’s also possible to give them too much. It’s not an easy balance to strike, and it sounds like you’re in the thick of figuring it out.
Your first order of business is to talk to your husband about the situation to make sure you’re on the same page. As it stands, part of the problem might be that you’re of two different minds when it comes to financially supporting your adult children. Namely, he might be OK with handing out cash while you feel the need to hold back. Make sure you’re a united front. That way, your daughter knows this is coming from both of you.
Then, have a conversation with her. You can explicitly tell your daughter that you will not be purchasing a house or providing any kind of financial assistance beyond whatever you deem to be comfortable—you’ll need to work these details out with your husband beforehand. Figure out what your actual limits are, even if it’s zero. Whatever you decide, let her know this is your decision and it’s important for you to stick to it. But you also want to hear her side of things. If she feels like you’re flaunting your wealth, maybe ask her what it is exactly that’s triggering that. Are you talking to her about fun vacations when she’s bogged down at work? Are you filling her in on properties you’re buying? Hear what bothers her and be willing to limit what you share. Explain why this decision is important to you: You learned a lot about money figuring things out on your own, and you don’t want to deprive her of that. It could help her to hear that you’ll be there in an emergency, but you want to give her a chance to learn some of the same lessons you did in life. If she scoffs at that, you might want to reinforce your boundaries: You’ve worked hard, and now you want to enjoy your life.
Try to approach this conversation without any shame about her choices. I sense some judgment about her choice to live in a high-cost-of-living area. There are plenty of good reasons to live in a place that aligns with your political values, and there may be reasons beyond that—she might want to raise her children in a culturally diverse area, for example. That doesn’t mean you have to feel guilty for not buying her a home in that area, but the point is, it might be easier to stomach if she doesn’t feel judged for her life choices.
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Dear Pay Dirt,
Due to a combination of lifelong and acquired disabilities, I receive public benefits. Recently, I received word that I am going to get a piece of assistive technology from a public agency that will greatly improve my safety. I will not be paying for this. When I spoke about it to an acquaintance, she asked where the funding was coming from. I told her the agency, and she said, “So it’s really me paying for it” in a somewhat snide tone of voice. I was a bit taken aback so I just smiled and said, “Yes, I am so lucky to live in a place that values my quality of life despite the fact that I cannot earn an income!”
My question is: Was this the appropriate response? And if not, what should I say in the future? I have gotten similar somewhat resentful comments in the past about how someone as a taxpayer supports me, implying that I am lazy or undeserving, probably because I do not fit the conventional look of a disabled person. But I do not think that they understand that 1) I think everyone should get benefits/universal healthcare as needed and it is absolutely terrible that our country does not do this, and 2) a lot more of their tax money probably goes to fighter jets then goes to support me specifically.
—Will Trade
Dear Will Trade,
What a rude acquaintance! You shared your struggles and she not only failed to say anything supportive but also tried to shame you with her comment. Even if we give her the benefit of the doubt and assume this wasn’t her intention—maybe she just wanted to let you know her political opinion on the matter, though that’s a real stretch—it sounds like this person still needs to learn some basic manners.
You responded in a way that was patient and kind. Not all disabilities are visible, and it’s not your job to educate people, especially people who can’t discuss the matter without being uncharitable. It’s also not your job to mitigate their callous responses. If anything, you can be more frank if this happens again. It can be as simple as, “Y’know, it’s exhausting enough to deal with my disabilities and figure out how to get financial help. I don’t have the energy to justify them, too.” Sometimes humor can be a helpful shield against comments like this. The next time someone says they’re paying for your disability, maybe ask where you can mail them a bill.
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Dear Pay Dirt,
I recently graduated college and moved back home to save money. I do pay my parents some rent so I don’t think that I am asking for too much to have privacy in my personal space. My sister and her two children live in the basement apartment. They don’t pay rent. My sister thinks nothing of sending her kids and their friends into my room when I am not there to get them out of her hair.
I will get home to find my room trashed, items broken, make-up and art supplies stolen, and even food left in odd places. My sister does nothing but roll her eyes and tell me not to make such a big deal, that they are “just” kids. My parents don’t care as long as the kids are not underfoot and in their rooms. I finally snapped in frustration, got a cheap lock, and used a screwdriver to put it on. Now I lock my door whenever I am out of the house. This upsets my sister and she says I am a horrible aunt and a spoiled brat who wants to hurt her kids’ feelings. She keeps harping on this. I am this close to telling her where to shove it. I can’t afford to move out. Help, please!
—My Room
Dear My Room,
Your concerns are valid, despite what your family says. Sure, it sounds like your sister’s kids are just doing what kids do: being rambunctious and loud and pushing boundaries. But that doesn’t make it any less frustrating for everyone around them.
It doesn’t sound like you did anything out of line here. Kids need to learn and understand there are boundaries and rules. Your stuff was getting trashed, you asked their mother for help, and after your requests were ignored, you took matters into your own hands to protect your stuff. That’s all very reasonable. But there’s a good chance that as frustrated as you are with those kids, your sister is probably even more so—because she’s responsible for them. Sometimes parents can become so overwhelmed with the work it takes to raise a kid that we forget it can be challenging for the people around us, too. If you can find it in your heart to cut your sister a little slack, I bet it would go a long way. It might be hard to overlook the fact that she doesn’t pay rent and her kids are a handful, but what would happen if you approached your sister with a bit of compassion? Try to have another conversation with her and lead with something like, “I’m sure you have your hands full and I don’t want to keep bothering you about this, so I took care of the problem myself.”
You’ve said your sis won’t stop harping on your solution, which suggests there’s a deeper issue here. She might want to hear that you care about her kids or are at least understanding of her challenges as a mother. You don’t have to give her that, of course. But it would do you good to quell this tension if you can’t afford to move out—and it’s a lot easier for people to understand others when they feel understood themselves.
Dear Pay Dirt,
I’m 71 and in good health. But of course, the end will come eventually. I’ve had credit issues (good score, but high balances) for much of my adult life. I am likely to die owning no property and having a negative net worth. My children know I’m not wealthy. Is there any reason to still make a will?
—Need a Will?
Dear Need a Will,
Yes, you should absolutely create a will. There are lots of good reasons to make one even if you’re not swimming in wealth. A will makes it easier for your loved ones to figure out how to deal with things like sentimental belongings, funeral arrangements, burial wishes, outstanding debts, and so on. If you have items like jewelry or heirlooms, it’ll give you a chance to pass along those items to specific people.
A will also allows you to name an executor—that is, the person responsible for navigating the will and settling your debts and assets when you die. This person is responsible for notifying your creditors and figuring out how your debts will be paid off if you do have any assets left behind. Without a will, a court-appointed administrator is usually assigned to deal with all of this, and that can make things complicated for your family.
Estate planning lawyers can be expensive, so if you don’t want to go that route, there are cheaper do-it-yourself options online (WillMaker, LegalZoom, and GoodTrust to name a few) that can help you get started. It doesn’t take long and you’ll have the peace of mind knowing your family will have a clear set of instructions when the time comes.
—Kristin
Classic Prudie
About six years ago, we moved into a new house after being homeless for a year due to a house fire and a long battle with our insurance. Right before we closed on our new home, my spouse’s youngest brother and wife revealed they too were living in their car after being evicted. My brother-in-law is an alcoholic with a ton of mental health and anger issues, and my sister-in-law was then a full-time student in her final semester at school. We allowed them to move in with us, because I didn’t want them sleeping in their car in a hot summer, and I didn’t want my sister-in-law to have to drop out of school due to a lack of internet.
