Every week, Dear Prudence answers additional questions from readers, just for Slate Plus members. Submit questions here. (It’s anonymous!)
Dear Prudence,
I’m almost 18 and graduating high school this spring. My grandparents (father’s parents) just told me they have almost $200,000 saved up that they are giving me for college. I was stunned because I knew they were better off than my parents, but I had no idea about this. I asked why they didn’t give anything to my sister, who is 22 and will graduate college right before I graduate high school. She’s stressed out because she’s had to take out loans that, even if she gets a good job, she might not be able to pay off before she’s middle-aged. They said that this was because I’m their biological grandchild and my sister isn’t. She’s our mom’s daughter from a boyfriend who abandoned her while she was pregnant, but our dad adopted her after they got married, when she was 2. Her biological father was Black, so I suspect that this might have something to do with our white, Republican grandparents not fully accepting her.
But what they don’t know is …
I’m not their biological grandchild either! My dad was infertile, so my parents used donor sperm to conceive me. They told me this when I was about 6 but said it was our family’s secret, and now I think I know why. I’m afraid I would feel dishonest accepting this money for myself. Should I take it but give half to my sister? Or tell my grandparents the truth about my biological origin and risk that they won’t give me anything either? Or what?
—Guilty Grad
Dear Guilty Grad,
Your idea to accept the money and give half to your sister is both generous and brilliant. I see two options here. You could just do that quietly and move on with your lives, which shouldn’t be hard since the money was intended to be spent in short order for college (and now your sister’s loans) anyway. Or, if you feel strongly about challenging the status quo in your family, once the money is secured in your respective accounts, tell everyone the truth about why you made that choice—and why you suspect your grandparents made theirs. (You might want to keep the sperm donor info out of it, since that’s your parents’ business as much as yours.) You’re just barely an adult, but if you feel up to it, you have the power to set your family on a new path when it comes to rejecting racism and embracing honesty and fairness.
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