Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here.
Dear Prudence,
My sister has been miserable since she had her baby two years ago. My brother-in-law works too much, but they don’t have enough money. Her mother-in-law is too overbearing, but never overbearing when my sister wants it. All her friends abandoned her, but she is the one who always cancels plans first. My sister will fly into a rage or start weeping on a dime. Don’t mention her seeing a therapist, because she will curse you out. I think I might be her favorite target other than her husband. I ask if I can come over for coffee (I live three hours away and she doesn’t drive), only for my sister to repeat that if I wanted to be a “real” sister, I would be offering to cook and clean. She has started talking about wanting another baby and just living in la-la land.
My BIL finally asked me for a heart-to-heart about the subject. I told him I could not live their life: Things are already difficult now, and bringing another baby into the mix won’t make it any easier. And I said that he needed to start with the condoms if he was actually having doubts. Well, all hell broke loose because when my sister got upset that he refused to be intimate with her without protection, my BIL threw me under the bus. What she called me was unprintable, and she threw the abortion I’d had in college in my face. I was in a committed relationship and got raped. The thought of having my rapist’s child made me suicidal. My sister was the one whom I confided in, though I was later open about the subject.
My sister will not apologize or even acknowledge the lines she crossed. Everyone else is being all “Well, she has it hard,” and I just need to let it go. My BIL has told me he is sorry, but I think that’s because I now rarely talk to him or come over anymore. He is the last man standing. I know, intellectually, that my sister needs help. I am just not up for putting myself in the crossfire again. It hurts that people will frequently throw the welfare of my nephew in my face—what kind of aunt leaves a toddler to deal with a deranged mother alone? None of them offer any help other than wishes and prayers. Our parents are divorced, live far away, and frankly are too caught up in their own passions to care about this sisterly spat. So, what now?
—Hurt in Hartford
Dear Hurt,
It does sound as if your sister needs help, but you—a person whom she is pissed off at and doesn’t respect—are not going to be the person to persuade her to get it. Moreover, your own mental health isn’t in a great place. Realistically, your potential to improve your nephew’s life, given these dynamics and the fact that you live three hours away, is really limited. Take some time apart and take your focus off your sister, her moods, and her bad behavior, and put it on yourself. While it’s totally normal to be upset about the way her life is going, you have no control over it, and getting too invested will make you miserable.
Instead, think about whom you want to be when, one or two or five years down the line, she’s on the other side of this rough patch—which sounds as if it includes some postpartum anxiety or depression. By the time she says she’s feeling better and offers an apology and wants you to come to your nephew’s birthday party and maybe take him for the weekend, hopefully you will be healed, happy, healthy, and strong. At that point, your answer to those who are asking “What kind of aunt are you?” will be that you’re the kind who refuses to get dragged down by family drama, guilt, and dysfunction and instead actually has something to offer.
Dear Prudence,
My question concerns asking someone out on a date. I (50s gay man) work at a food pantry that has regular clients who can come in once a month. Over the past couple of years, there is one client (40s gay man) who comes in and is very friendly and slightly flirty. We have client information, including phone numbers. Would it be completely inappropriate to send a casual text? “It was great to see you today at the pantry. I would like to get to know you better outside of work, would you want to grab a coffee/have lunch sometime?” I know that might seem innocuous, but he didn’t give me his phone number, so he would know that I looked it up. (Creepy, right?) And since he receives a service from me that he counts on, it could make it awkward for him to come back. (Really bad, yes?) He is really nice, and I think we would have a good time hanging out, but having been out of the dating scene for a while, I’m hesitant.
—Food Fling
Dear Food Fling,
Absolutely do not get this man’s phone number from your client records! No, no, no. Sadly, I think you have to wait for him to make a move. Continue to be warm and friendly and talkative in the hopes that you’ll make him comfortable enough to do so.
Dear Prudence Uncensored
“You’re the one who once told me that you were a flirt, and you said it in a way that made clear it was an immutable fact about yourself, like having curly hair or long legs!”
Jenée Desmond-Harris and Joel Anderson discuss a letter in this week’s Dear Prudence Uncensored—only for Slate Plus members.
Dear Prudence,
My boyfriend is a filmmaker and an artistic genius! I believe he is a great talent and that someday he’ll be a star Hollywood producer. But his production company has recently fallen on hard times, and he has taken to using my 900-square-foot apartment as a studio. I was excited when he moved in, because I love him like a puppy dog, and he promised that he would film scenes in the apartment only while I was at work. When I came in the other day, he was filming a scene from a script, The Death of Marat, where he gets stabbed in the bathtub. I walked in and thought he was stabbed in a puddle of blood in my bathtub! I just don’t know how to break up with my boyfriend. What happens someday when he gets his lucky break and makes the big time? On the other hand, what if that never happens? I love him, but I can’t have four guys and fake blood in my apartment 20 hours a day! I am sure that kicking him out would mean breaking up permanently. What should I do?
—Marat’s Girlfriend
Dear Girlfriend,
Kick him out and break up. The answer to “What happens someday when he gets his lucky break and makes the big time?” is that you will see him on TV walking a red carpet or accepting an award and go, “Wow, he made it. That’s great for him! But I’m so glad I didn’t end up with someone whom I loved ‘like a puppy dog’ in part because he was as inconsiderate and destructive as an untrained pet.” Keep in mind, the quality that made him think “I’ve been asked not to film while she’s at home, but you know what, let me fill the bathtub with blood right before she walks in the door” will stay with him, regardless of how successful he becomes.
How to Get Advice
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Dear Prudence,
I have a close friend whom I’ve known for about a decade (we’re in our mid-30s). She’s married to a guy in the armed forces, and when he’s deployed, she gets pretty anxious and depressed, doesn’t take the greatest care of herself, and doesn’t have much of an appetite. She loves my cooking, so I invite her over for dinner as often as I can: We cook together and she vents about how she’s feeling. However, every time, and I mean every single time, she eats to the point of being in major discomfort, then spends the rest of the evening burping, groaning, and complaining that she’s so uncomfortably full (she dishes up for herself). I would be lying if I said I didn’t find this super annoying!
I have misophonia, and the sound of her burping and groaning is really, really tough for me. I’m growing resentful that she kind of dominates the evening, and I end up feeling pretty burned out. But honestly, I’m at a loss because I really worry when she doesn’t eat enough, and I think it’s important that she get at least a few good meals a week. She can’t control the burping, and the thought of asking her to eat less just feels rude and invasive of me. Other friends have suggested I invite her to non-food-related things, but the point is to get her to eat. Do you have any advice on how to manage my resentment and show up for her in the way she needs me to?
—Full of Resentment
Dear Resentment,
This lonely woman needs a good friend who cares about her and is not resentful of her more than she needs a plate of lasagna. Although you’re coming from a good and generous place, you aren’t doing her any favors by gritting your teeth through these visits. That’s because your annoyance and general grossed-out feelings are eventually going to come through in the way you treat her and interact with her. If you really feel she won’t eat enough unless you feed her—I question this a little, but I’ll take your word for it!—or if providing a meal is your preferred way of expressing love, drop off food on her doorstep once in a while. And when the time comes to hang out, try a walk, drinks, shopping, or a movie. Hopefully she won’t go too crazy on the popcorn.
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Dear Prudence,
I was the invisible child growing up, between my sister the delinquent and my brother, who was severely brain-damaged at birth. The only one who gave me any real positive attention was my neighbor. She “hired” me to help her around the house, but in reality, she taught me music and gave me an avenue to accomplish my passions. I am not a professional musician by any means, but it is very much my joy.
“Annie” is my 12-year-old neighbor, and she reminds me so much of me as a child it hurts. She is the middle child of five, with two severely autistic older brothers and two very small younger sisters. Her parents are constantly overwhelmed, it seems, from the conversations I’ve had with them. Annie has expressed interest in taking music lessons, but they’re too expensive. I really want to offer her free lessons with me. I work early, so most of my afternoons are free.
The thing is, her parents will take a mile if you give them an inch. I offer to pick up some groceries for them, and the list is longer than my arm. I offer to take care of their dog when they go on vacation, and they assume I’m suddenly always available for babysitting. They’ve tried to borrow money from me on multiple occasions. I understand that times are tough, but I just want to help Annie like my neighbor helped me with music, not get sucked into re-creating my family dysfunction. How do I do this?
—Face the Music
Dear Music,
This is so nice, and it’s totally fair to want to set boundaries around how far you can go with this family. Don’t share any details about your work schedule. Simply offer lessons two days a week at an agreed-upon time, and if there’s a knock on the door at any other time, ignore it.
Classic Prudie
Ten years ago I was in my early 20s, living in a large city and having fun. I went on a date with an attractive man but he told me things about himself that seemed too good to be true, so I ruled him out as a potential boyfriend. But we did go to a hotel and had a tawdry one-night stand. Today I have an amazing career that has taken me to a rural location. A year ago a new friend invited me to supper and presto, her husband is the hookup from my past. He did not give any indication of knowing who I was. I have since determined that they didn’t know each other when he and I had our date. (And it turns out he was telling me the truth about his life.) I see my friend frequently, and see them as a couple occasionally. Because I live in a small town, finding romance has been difficult. Until now. I recently met an attractive man and we both feel a sincere connection to each other. It turns out he is the brother of my friend’s husband. Do I have any responsibility to disclose to this new man that I had a tawdry night with his brother 10 years ago?
