Each week in the Tuesday column, Prudence asks readers for their thoughts on a question that has her stumped. She’ll post her final thoughts on the matter on Fridays.
Here’s this week’s dilemma and answer; thanks to Sharon Eiler, Doc, Been There, Rose, Reformed Monster, and April for their ideas!
Dear Prudence,
Just over two months ago, I was unexpectedly dumped by my boyfriend of more than a year, a man with whom I’m still deeply in love; I had wanted to marry him. It was devastating. Throughout our relationship, I suffered from intense feelings of jealousy, mostly about a certain female friend of his, but also generally jealous feelings about his exes and his female friends. I drove myself crazy with my insecurity. I never had any real reason not to trust him. My jealousy wasn’t the reason he gave for dumping me, but I feel it may have been a contributing factor. Regardless, it certainly made us both unhappy. I hated feeling like a crazy, possessive girlfriend.
It has been more than two months since the breakup, and despite moving abroad for a fellowship and being in an exciting and beautiful new country, I’m still reeling. I’m plagued by so many jealous thoughts about the idea of him dating someone else, sleeping with someone else, even just the knowledge that he is talking to that close female friend of his. (He and I currently aren’t talking at all—we’re taking a period of no contact so we can explore being friends in the future.) I hate that I don’t know what he’s up to. I have jealous dreams more than once a week. I got a therapist because I’m deeply unhappy and struggling. But she isn’t helping me tackle the jealous thoughts themselves. She just tells me to distract myself when jealous thoughts occur (already doing that), make time for things I enjoy (already doing that), and try medication (just started one). How does one actually reframe thoughts of jealousy and possessiveness? I don’t think I can distract or medicate my way out of this problem. I don’t want to suffer from it in future relationships either. I’ve felt a little bit jealous in past relationships, but never this intensely.
—Green-Eyed Monster
Dear Green-Eyed Monster,
When I shared your letter with Prudie readers, their responses highlighted something that I should have thought of myself, because it’s actually been on my mind a lot: Not every therapist is great. Not every therapist is even good. Just like in every other profession, there are people who are talented and amazing and people who don’t totally get it, or have a lot going on in their lives and are phoning it in every day, or who just aren’t a good fit. Yours is either bad or simply bad for you. How do I know this? Because she’s not helping you. The jealousy you’re experiencing is difficult, but it’s not insurmountable or unheard of. You shouldn’t have to manage it on your own.
I can’t totally co-sign any of the suggestions for different therapeutic approaches or medications because I simply don’t know enough, but I agree with the chorus of readers who argued that you need a change. Maybe this will come from telling your current therapist you want to go deeper, and maybe it will come from doing another exhausting search of providers who take your insurance.
Sharon Eiler, LMFT: Your therapist is overly focused on cognitive-behavioral methods, though it’s been proven through trial this isn’t working. Find a therapist who will use somatic or more body-mind-centered therapies. Most “trauma” therapies fall under this umbrella. You’ll have heard of EMDR, but there are many newer ones, based on the same neuroscience, that may do a better job of finding and gently rewiring the anxiety you’re experiencing as jealousy. The good news is this type of therapy has very good success rates! Depending on the source of the anxiety, and the degree to which it’s truly experiential vs. more organic, you may also need a change of medication, but the therapy will be a critical thing to try—and, I suspect, the primary solution.
Mel: I’m a bit disappointed by this therapist’s advice to LW. While distraction can be a helpful coping mechanism in certain situations, such as when you need to be able to focus on something else, generally speaking, ignoring feelings is likely to just cause them to build up and feel stronger. The point of distraction as a coping mechanism is to then allow yourself time later to feel and process these feelings. Some things that I find helpful when experiencing intrusive thoughts and feelings that I don’t want to have, is to actually engage with them and get curious. Something like “I’m noticing that I’m having feelings of jealousy right now, what are these feelings trying to tell me? Are these thoughts and feelings helpful to me? What might it look like to sit with these feelings for a little bit and really engage with curiosity?” I’m guessing that this jealously might be linked to past experiences and/or a fear of not being wanted or feeling like you aren’t good enough or something similar to this. But once you are able to really dig down into these feelings you can do some fact checking around it, like “I know that I am good enough and am deserving of love.”
Another thing to try is to hear the thoughts, notice the feelings and internally respond like “I recognize and see these thoughts and feelings, I understand that they are trying to help me and trying to give me information so thank you, self, but, we’re gonna try something different because this isn’t actually helpful.” I’d also recommend finding a new therapist. It’s ok if this particular therapist isn’t the right fit for you, and sometimes it takes time and trial and error to find a therapist that’s a good fit. If this therapist doesn’t feel helpful than it isn’t a good fit and you deserve to find a therapist who is willing and able to help you explore and process these feelings rather than encouraging you to continue to push them away.
Doc: I would get a new therapist who has some experience with CBT, ERP, and relationship OCD. Obviously it’s impossible to diagnose from a few paragraphs, but this problem seems far beyond a typical degree of jealousy. Medication may help, though it often takes weeks to months to get to full efficacy. Journaling could help as a safe outlet for these feelings and help you track triggers. Distraction can feed intrusive thoughts, so it’s better to learn how to sit with uncomfortable feelings and learn how your past experiences may be contributing to these extreme thoughts. Also, try to cut yourself off from his social media so you’re not spending hours analyzing whom he is talking to or tracking where he is.
Been There: I wouldn’t suggest distracting yourself from jealous thoughts but really leaning into them, just for a moment, to try and understand what’s really going on, what it is you’re really needing. For me, journaling and some hard introspection have helped me reframe jealousy and envy as what they really are: deep feelings of insecurity, low self-esteem, a feeling of a lack of agency over my life. When those feelings are powerful, they manifest as an overwhelming fear that I will be left behind (by my partner, or a friend, or even at work) and/or invasive feelings of envy and resentment when I see people, even people I care about, succeeding in their lives and reaching their goals. I don’t like those feelings, and I know they’re irrational (not because they’re wrong—I might well get left behind—but because I can’t control what other people do). By pinning down and putting in words what I’m actually feeling—what I’m really afraid of, what broken record is playing in my head—I see more clearly that the problem isn’t the other person, nor even my relationship with the other person. It’s almost always a problem with how I see myself. I’m afraid to be left because I feel less-than.
I feel invasive envy because I’m mad at myself for not reaching my own goals. And then, I usually feel a liberating sense that my mission is not to forget/ignore/react or not to react to another person—that’s still giving the Other too much power—but rather to devote myself to rebuilding my trust in myself: affirming my sense of agency, my ability to overcome obstacles or change patterns; finding (or rediscovering) my own sources of joy and interest; imagining a sort of revolution in my inner life where I adopt “radical authenticity.” I reread favorite books and pull out nostalgic albums to remind myself of who I was before. I try new things—not to keep busy, but to change perspective and shake up mental habits. And I *definitely* stay away from social media. So it’s not about distracting yourself. It’s about throwing yourself devotedly into building something that yours and that’s authentic. So that your sense of self no longer depends entirely on someone else. Good luck.
Rose: Let your therapist know that you want to get to the bottom of these feelings to address the root cause, not just the symptom. If they’re dismissive, find a different therapist who IS willing to dive more deeply into where these extreme jealous feelings are coming from. Distraction and medication may help treat the symptoms, but—since you say you never had cause to believe that your partner was being unfaithful—it seems like there must be something deeper going on here. EMDR therapy may be something worth exploring. But be ready for it to take time and work. In the meantime, work on getting comfortable sitting in uncomfortable feelings.
Reformed Monster: It sounds to me like you may need to explore a new therapist. You should be actually trying to explore where these feelings are coming from in therapy and addressing the root of the problem, not simply distracting yourself. That’s not going to help in the long run, and you’ll probably just end up repeating the same patterns in any future relationships, even if time resolves your feelings about this specific ex. In my experience, my therapist was able to help me navigate my feelings and discover that some past relationships that ended in infidelity along with some childhood trauma were causing this behavior, and from there we worked on those foundational problems.
Now, I very seldom have those feelings, and when I do I can pinpoint my trigger and address that rather than lashing out. I know hunting for a new therapist can be challenging, but overall, I think it’s crucial if your goal is actual healing. In the meantime, I do think distractions are good, but I also think some self-awareness and internal forgiveness would go a long way too. For example, when an intrusive thought emerges, you could practice a mindful response, such as “there is nothing I can do to change the past” or “I love myself and know I’ll improve”. Anything that eases the anxiety. This is also something that I good therapist can help you develop. Good luck!
Take these suggestions seriously. If you went to get a haircut and came out of the appointment with no change, and hair the exact same length, you wouldn’t just give up and despair. You would go to someone new. The same applies to your experience with a therapist whose approach isn’t helping you. Move on! And these responses include some really good tips for how to challenge yourself to think differently about the situation, even before you find that person.
Finally, I liked this reminder to be patient with yourself and to reevaluate the plan to eventually get back into contact with your ex:
April: Two months is not long. Sounds like you’re doing all the right things. It may take a year. I think no contact is the best way.
There are a lot of people out there who can be great friends for you. There’s really no reason that someone who triggers your most unbearable feelings and costs you a weekly copay needs to be one of them.
Correction, March 21, 2024: Due to an editing error, this article originally contained misattributions from advice submitters. They have been corrected.
