Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
There are some kids who come to my neighborhood playground who consistently do not have an adult with them. It’s been implied to me that they live in the building next door, and that an adult is nearby watching out the window. The older kids often play very rough (normal for their age, but dangerous for the 0-5-year-olds for whom the playground is explicitly designed for). When I’ve talked to them in the past, they are very sweet and kind—just wanting to play very rough soccer in a playground of toddlers. More recently, there was a young boy, I’d guess 3 years old, who came up to our stroller and took some toys out of it. Again, curious and just being his age, but it upset my child. I went over to him to try to explain, but he ran away; it quickly became a game of chase. After asking again for the toys, I went up to him and said, “I’m going to hold you so I can take them back.” I hugged him gently to stop his body and took the toys back out of his hands. He got, understandably, very upset and threw himself on the ground. The more that I observed, I saw him doing the same thing in other strollers and climbing playfully on some parents. It quickly escalated into unsafe roughhousing, and I heard one parent say to another, “This is just too much.”
So, what is the proper way to handle this situation? There’s no adult to chat with, and all of the caregivers who frequent this playground seem to understand that this just happens. I feel incredibly uncomfortable, sad for this child, and uneasy about the ethical way to proceed when we inevitably see him at the playground next time.
—Playground Parent
Dear Playground Parent,
The next time things get out of hand with one of these children, you can ask one of the older ones to go get the adult who is allegedly watching from the window (though it’s hard to believe that’s true, considering that you put your hands on the 3-year-old and no one came down to respond.) If they show other signs of neglect or mistreatment, you may consider calling the police and letting them know that they are in the park unsupervised; the response will depend on how old the oldest child is and if the local laws deem them old enough to babysit younger kids. Otherwise, the best thing you can do is watch for these children and do your best to help keep them safe. If it bothers you so much, you may just want to consider going to another playground.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
My wife and I divorced 17 years ago when our son was born. She moved 45 minutes away. After a year of driving almost every other day to see my son, I sold my house and moved to be 5 minutes away. She immediately moved 45 minutes away again and enrolled him in a school district near her house. The court approved all this and ordered my son to spend one week with her and then one week with me. So for the last 16 years, when he was with me, I would start the day with a 90-minute round trip drive to school and back, work, and then another 90-minute drive in the afternoon, plus innumerable trips in between for school activities, sporting events, when he forgot something, etc. My life ground to a halt because I was spending 3-5 hours per day in the car. My career ground to a halt because I could not consistently be there by 9 a.m. and I had to leave by 1:30. I did this without complaint and developed what I thought was a very strong and unique relationship with my son. I gladly poured additional time into being with him and raising him. Every person who knew us said I was the most dedicated father they had met and were envious of the relationship I had with my son. His mother never really seemed very involved.
Now, my son is a senior in high school and driving. He just announced that with school and practice, his job in the evening, and “everything,” it was a hassle to drive an extra 45 minutes each way to our house. He wants to spend all his time at his mother’s and to come over on weekends when he has time. I am disappointed, hurt, and angry. Some people say it is natural for a teen to pull back at this age, but he is not really pulling back from his mother, just me. It is simply that he sees what a hassle it is to drive so much? He still expects me to attend his school sporting events, take him on vacation, pay for college, etc. How would you handle this?
—Frustrated
Dear Frustrated,
You have every right to be disappointed, hurt, and angry, but you have to be careful not to let those emotions affect how you treat your son. It could simply be that he finds the daily drive from your home to be a hassle and that he’d rather have more sleep than make a commute like that on a regular basis. It may be that his mother is more permissive and he gets away with things at her house that he couldn’t at yours. Either way, don’t punish your son for his choice. It is not uncommon for teens who were raised between two households to decide that it would be easier to spend most of their time at one.
Considering that this is a court-ordered division of time, you could simply tell your son no, and that he’ll need to continue dividing his time between both homes. However, you’ll have to deal with his reaction to that, which would likely be negative because this isn’t what he wants at this point. Don’t take his choice as a referendum on the type of father you have been or even on how much he loves you. For a teenage boy, getting enough sleep is a major deal (though most of them wouldn’t consider going to bed early to make that happen), and he may just genuinely be struggling to get himself out the door on time from your house. Instead, insist on finding a regular time for him to visit you on weekends, or for the two of you to meet somewhere equidistant. Let him know how much your time together means to you and that you don’t want to lose the connection that you’ve built over these years. Try to plan a trip for the two of you this summer, or ask that he spends a month with you then. And yes, you will still need to attend his sporting events and help support him with college; you can’t punish him for choosing a living arrangement that is easier for him, even if it hurts your feelings.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
My husband and I (mid-30s, hetero couple) took in our niece (14 at the time) when my estranged SIL passed during the pandemic. We enthusiastically got married sooner than planned so we could legally adopt “Luna” together, despite the challenges we knew we’d face. Now, she’s about to turn 18 and will graduate high school in the next few months.
I so, so, so, love Luna. I consider her my daughter and enjoy my time with her, but learning to parent on Level 100 has been exhausting. We’ve struggled to find balance between comforting and supporting Luna through her grief and unrelated PTSD, ADHD, anxiety, and social challenges while still trying to teach her responsibility, accountability, and respect. The last year has been especially rough with drug experimentation, ditching classes, yelling at teachers, and general neglect of her schoolwork and chores. We’ve read books and tried many parenting tactics, but nothing seems to make a difference long-term. Recently, Luna expressed that she wants to leave when she turns 18 and live with her older brother and his family since they’re her “real” family she feels guilty for leaving behind.
We’ve always wanted to be parents, but we don’t feel like that’s who we are in Luna’s eyes (and that’s truly understandable since we’re not trying to replace/forget her bio parents in any way). However, we’ve been struggling with fertility. Part of me wonders if we should have more kids since we seem to enjoy our time best when Luna is off with friends, our parenting styles are pretty different, and the last three years have been so chaotic. My mom and most trusted people say we’re good parents, and it’ll be easier the next time since we’ll build a foundation of values and expectations rather than “course-correct” from SIL’s questionable choices. I don’t want to go through IVF or other invasive fertility treatments, so we’ve been considering fostering/adoption. Wouldn’t the same/similar issues still exist? I always knew parenting would be hard, but now I wonder if I have what it takes to do “for real” this time.
—Not the Mama?
Dear Not the Mama,
Luna lived with her bio family for the first 14 years of her life, which means she was exposed to quite a lot before she came into your care. There’s no guarantee that you’ll have the same experiences with a foster or adopted child, but there is the possibility that you’ll have to contend with the effects of any trauma they’ve experienced in the past. That’s why it’s incredibly important to be sure that you are up for any challenges that may arise from taking in a child, and to be willing to work through those challenges without giving up and putting them back in the system. It’s also worth noting that a biological child could be born to you with special needs, mental health challenges, or any number of other issues that would make parenting more difficult than you may dream of.
Considering how much you and your husband enjoy your Luna-free time and the difference in your parenting styles, you all need to give some serious thought to fostering or adopting a child before you make a decision that will alter the course of your lives and the life of the child you may take in. You should both be 100 percent clear that taking in a child is what you want to do, and that you all are prepared to do whatever it takes to give that child the best life possible. Taking in a baby or toddler may minimize the amount of trauma they have experienced prior to entering your home, but that doesn’t mean that child won’t be without their own unique challenges. If there is any doubt about you or your husband’s capacity to deal with a child who isn’t “easy” to raise, then you all should not have one—biologically or otherwise. There are many testimonies from fostered and adopted children about being mistreated by the parents who took them in or not getting their needs met by them in other ways. Do your research on fostering and adopting, talk to families who have done it and make that decision when you’re clear on what you truly want to—and can—do.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My 17-year-old son feels differently about his friends when they tell them “big” things about themselves, and he doesn’t know why. For example, his best friend came out as bisexual, and now he looks at him differently. He is very open-minded and not at all homophobic. He says that it just changes how he thinks about him and he hates this about himself. A very close female friend told him that she is not a virgin, and he looks at her differently, too. He doesn’t understand why these things make him feel differently about his friends. How do I help him sort out these feelings? I feel helpless. I have tried asking him why he feels differently when his friends are the exact same people they were five minutes before they shared information with you as they are five minutes after.
—Helpless Mom
Dear Helpless Mom,
Are these reactions limited to reveals about sex and sexuality? Your son may be struggling with his own feelings about those things, and it’s led him to be judgmental of his friends.
Have you talked to him openly about sex? He may just feel uncomfortable with the topic in general, maybe due to a lack of understanding or exposure, and now he doesn’t know how to deal with friends who have a different relationship to sexuality. Consider getting your son a book about sex, such as Let’s Talk About It: The Teen’s Guide to Sex, Relationships and Being a Human. You may want to read up on the topic yourself and Sex Education for Teens: Understanding Sex, Sexuality and Relationships may be helpful in guiding your conversations with him. Ask him why he thinks what he’s learned about his friends has made him uncomfortable and if he feels like he has a clear understanding about sex, sexuality, and dating. If you find that he won’t open up to you about it, consider finding him a therapist with whom he can discuss his feelings.
—Jamilah
